Springtime will bring a shedding of the pounds

It just has to! I'm not sure if I ever officially announced on the blog that we're having a girl; I know I mentioned it in a recent post though. So here's the official announcement: Brian and I are pregnant with a little girl! Gage will be the best big brother ever.

I am stoked to have a girl (as much as I would've been stoked to have another boy) but it calls to mind some interesting issues for me. I've long harbored concerns about the media influence on girls. The images portrayed of tiny thin women being the only attractive ones; the other end of that spectrum that says being morbidly obese is fine as long as you love yourself (not true, as heart disease, diabetes, etc does not care how much you love yourself,) the princess ideologues that so many girls are into, the idea that being smart is no good unless you're also a perfect 10, that finding "Prince Charming" is far more important than finding God, etc. These portrayals can be SO damaging and I think, as a parent, offsetting these images can be key. But how do you do that? How do you encourage a healthy body image, a desire to be strong, active, and healthy, a desire for intelligence and self-sufficiency? I guess I have some research to do.

But what I most need to focus on is being a positive role model. I need to get myself healthy and active. How can I portray the importance of a healthy, active lifestyle when I'm overweight myself? "Do as I say, not as I do" is not an acceptable method of child rearing in most circumstances.

So once I'm no longer pregnant, I intend to get right back on the Couch to 5K horse. I want to get my weight to healthy point, I want to get myself healthy so I can enjoy more activity without becoming tired, winded, etc. It'll take a lot of work, but it's worth it. I'm also focusing on not having a ridiculous weight gain throughout the pregnancy, so hopefully I can keep that up. Of course, the holidays are now behind us, so that'll get a little easier.

Just as an aside, I'm not saying there are no pressures for boys in the world, or that I'm less concerned with the image issues Gage will face. However, it's a little different to deal with body issues with boys... And I'm not as familiar with those (no personal experience,) so I'll be doing some research and some learning as I go, too. Gage is already healthy, active, and on-the-go, so at this point, I don't see his becoming sedentary as an issue... Unless, of course, we are such good models of being lazy, which we also don't want!
What better motivation could there be than getting healthy and being a good role model to your kids? Here's hoping I can stay on the wagon for good this time!

Onichophagia Anonymous

If you don't know what onichophagia is, you probably don't struggle with it. Or maybe you do, but never knew there was a clinical term. Anyway. It's the technical term for nail biting. Ongoing, long term, difficult to stop nail biting is CHRONIC onichophagia. I know all about the chronic kind, because I have it myself.
In case you're curious as to the causes of onichophagia, or if you think it's just a dirty, disgusting habit, please know that it's linked to a variety of psychological issues, like all body-focused repetitive behaviors (think hair pulling, skin picking, etc.) It has been linked to OCD, bi-polar, depression, and anxiety disorders. It isn't often a matter of just stopping because you know you should or because you know it's a gross behavior. It is entirely damaging to one's self esteem, given how people look at nail biting, and how obvious bitten nails are.
I can't say exactly when I started biting my nails, but I CAN tell you that I was VERY young. It goes back as far as I can remember. A few years back, I managed to quit. And then I relapsed. Then I quit again. Then I relapsed again. I imagine you can see where this is going.
I'm pretty down tonight (can't sleep, getting over a miserable cold) because I really thought I had this kicked, but suddenly I'm in the midst of the worst biting relapse I've had since quitting biting in the first place. It makes me wonder if I will either never be able to kick it altogether, or if I'm going to have to go on some sort of med to knock down the anxiety that makes me bite.
I've long thought that nail biting was my internal response to high levels of anxiety, and having a bad response to stressful situations. Now I feel that's been pretty much confirmed, and it sucks, because I feel like unless I seek help, I will ALWAYS relapse into nail biting when things are difficult. And I hate it SO much. I've been looked down on, ridiculed, made to feel like a disgusting person, and more because of this DISORDER. And that's all nothing compared to what I do to myself in my head over it. Because nail biting is somewhat common, no one looks at the chronic kind as a disorder. It's just something you should be able to stop doing, to most people. I won't gross you out with pics of my hands, but I can tell you that when I bite my nails, I do so with fervor. My fingertips ache and my nails look absolutely awful. And when I've just had my nails nice for the past two years? It hurts even worse to fall back into this.
I wish I had a better handle on my options, other than obviously trying to stop again, which of course I will. I've done it before, but when will it stick for good?
I just have to wonder, if I seek treatment. .. Will I be treated for the DISORDER of onichophagia, or will be I told to use more willpower and "just stop" the gross HABIT?

Merry (belated) Christmas

Ours was lovely, with tons of candy-making, canning apple butter, making ornaments, and spending time with family. Oh, and chasing Gage away from the Christmas tree as he cackled merrily, an ornament in his pudgy hand. He can't resist the shiny stuff. It's pretty funny until you've chased him for the 45th time that day. Then it's moderately frustrating.

I won't bore you with all the details, but suffice it to say it was one of the best Christmases I've had in years.

Sorry about the bloggy absence. Not as an excuse, but as a reason, here's what my months look like, from mid-November on: mid-November kicks off with my birthday, then it's Thanksgiving a few weeks later. After T-day comes Gage's birthday, then it's time to get ready for Christmas. And getting ready for Christmas is a big deal. Then it's New Years, and after that, things finally calm down. I'm so happy our little girl will be born in springtime; I don't know if I could handle another Nov/Dec event! Also in there are my folks' anniversary and one of my nieces birthdays. Not events I have to plan, but they take a little time typically. It's just a crazy couple months. Throw in pregnancy this year, and I have about had all the festivities I can handle, much as I enjoyed myself!

But I'm getting back on the blog train and hopefully this effort won't fizzle. It's not a New Year's resolution (I avoid those like the plague, talk about destined to fail), but something I would just like to do.

I hope you had a Merry Christmas, or happy holidays if you celebrate something else. Hopefully I'll see you a lot more in 2012!

PS, do you like our "apartment-sized" tree? My mom took pity on us because I didn't want to try and cram our humongous, full, seven-footer into our teeny apartment, so I was feeling woefully under-Christmased. She picked us up this wee tree, some shatter-proof ornaments, and plastic hooks so we could have a little spirit in our small space. It made us all happy. Thanks, mom. And thanks from Gage, too. Where else could he have found all those shiny ornaments to take off running with while bellowing laughter at our frustration? He sure did love having the tree around and that made us SO happy.

Happy birthday, big two year old.

Dear Gage ~

I can't believe you turn two today. It seems like just yesterday I was at the hospital, barely just agreeing to further induction and epidural, wishing like crazy you'd make your appearance already. I was tired of labor, sure - but more than anything, I wanted to see your sweet face, meet you, and learn all about your personality. You were this perfect, tiny person who had been growing inside of me for nine months, and you knew me so much better than I knew you. I had prayed for you every day for those months; prayed that you would be strong, smart, caring, good, handsome, kind, loving, independent, sweet, and creative. My prayers must have been answered, because you are all of those things and more.

Each day I see you grow a little bit more. You become taller, more coordinated, quicker, and more brilliant which each passing day, and I am so, so proud of you. I guess I really always will be, and I know that you'll do great things. You'll do things that make you happy, things that are good and right, and I will always be proud of you no matter what.

You want to learn how to do every single thing. You don't like being told you can't do something because you're too little; you want to be able to do EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. I love your persistence, even though now and then, when you've taken something apart for the 50th time in one day, I get a little frustrated. Know that even though I get frustrated, I admire your strength of will and persistent spirit. Those traits will serve you well, all through your young years and into your adulthood. I hope you always feel that desire to learn, to do what you want to do to get better, to be the best at what you're aiming for.

Gage, do you know that you have never met a stranger? That is a cliched line, but it's true for you. Everywhere you go, people are just astounded by you. Your brilliant grin, your happy Presidential wave, your sweet demeanor and silly giggle win everyone over. Everywhere we take you, you make friends. I've been told how much you brighten peoples' day, people you've never before met and will likely never see again, just by being your own little charming self. I pray that this characteristic is not one you only have as a young boy, but one that you'll carry into adulthood.

The depth of your personality, especially for a two-year-old, astounds me. You already have such strong opinions, ideas about what you want, and ways of expressing yourself that are just amazing. You are quick to share a hug or a kiss, caring if I'm upset, and just overall so expressive of your feelings. Never let anyone tell you this isn't right, because it is so powerful to be able to share what you're feeling with others. It means the world to those around you.

You love your Daddy so much, and you're so excited to see him every day when he comes home. Seeing the two of you together makes me love you both even more, and I could not have asked for a better Daddy for you. He would do anything for you, and you two are my best guys. I hope you'll always know that if you need guidance in being a good man, you can go to your Daddy. He has first-hand experience.

I am so blessed to be your Momma, Gage. I never imagined how wonderful being a mom could be, and being YOUR Momma has been the most magical experience of my life. I pray that I continue to always do my very best for you, and that above all, you always know how very much you're loved, appreciated, and cared for. You have blessed us more than you'll ever know, and I will always love you, no matter what.

Be good, my son. Love your family, your friends, God, and your country. Accept our love in return; it will always be there for you. Happy second birthday, I can't wait to celebrate with you every year. Life with you is better than I ever could have dreamed possible.

With all the love in the world,
Your Momma

No more TV

Alternately, why there will be a lot of fussing and screaming at my house this weekend.

We've gotten into the habit of letting Gage watch more TV than we would like. For the first year of his life, he watched absolutely none. When we stayed with my parents, our TV was in our room but only connected to. Netflix, and we watched after he was sleeping. Gage had no interest in TV, even. And I was really proud of that. But then, he got older and mobile, and we needed the occasional time where he was sitting quietly to do dishes or throw in a load of laundry or just sit for a second and take a deep breath.

So periodically we would turn on Nick Jr for him, he would watch for a period of 30 minutes to an hour tops, we would shut it off, and go about our day.

Then I got pregnant. And I was nauseous. And I was (am) exhausted. And I got (get) some of the worst headaches I have ever had in my life. The result was that I found myself relying more and more on the TV to keep Gage busy so I could rest. Slowly but surely, Gage has started becoming defiant when we turn his shows off, whether turning the TV off or even just changing the channel. He won't even watch football with us anymore because he wants Blue's Clues. Now, I'm not saying that all he does is sit in front of the TV because that's not the case. And for the most part, he doesn't ever sit while watching; he plays with his toys and runs around, and just lets the TV be background noise, which is good. But he has gotten to a point where turning off that background is a fight, and that isn't acceptable to us.

So, we are going cold turkey on baby TV. Er, toddler TV. Today and tomorrow, Gage can watch a little TV, up until his naptime. After nap, it is off for the duration of the day. If he won't nap, he can have a bath, then we'll try another nap. If he won't nap then, then we'll go for a little walk. We will have a bath and walk after nap if he goes down for nap easily. I'm just trying to have some fun, relaxing activities for us to do that will distract him.

Saturday, the real fun begins. Starting Saturday, for two weeks to a month, Gage will be watching no TV. There may be a special on (it's that time of year) that we watch with him, or we may need to stream a show on a phone for him at a restaurant, but during the average day, there will be ZERO TV time for him. I think it's all or nothing for him at this point. I know there will be crying, but I know the end result will be worth it. We've been having some sleep issues in recent weeks, and I think that those may be directly related to the TV he's watching.

We're going to focus more on drawing, playing together, and some learning play that will hopefully give Gage a jump start on learning. We are also going to focus more on reading books, which will be loads of fun for both of us. I haven't done as good a job on being up on his learning as I was when he was younger, because I didn't research it enough passed about a year and a half, so that's my failing. But not one that can't be undone.

I'm excited about this change. Not the fussing, but the end result. I know this will mean some "pushing passed the pain" for me (this pregnancy has been really hard so far) but isn't that what being a parent is about sometimes?

Giving thanks

I am thankful for so, so many things. And this post is about those things. If that doesn't interest you, skip this post. I feel like I do an ok job of maintaining a thankful attitude year 'round, but it often gets easy to overlook my blessings and focus on what I don't have. Hopefully this list will help me remember the much cliched but not inappropriate "attitude of gratitude."

1) I'm so thankful for my Savior, Jesus Christ. Before becoming a more serious follower of Christ, my life was kind of a mess. Brian and I were sort of happy, but we felt stuck. I'll post up my testimony one of these days and it'll be clear. Until then, just know--following Christ doesn't mean an easy ride or no troubles. It does mean you have someone to walk you through all of those times, the ultimate Teacher!

2) I'm so thankful for Brian. Who knows where my life would've ended up if I hadn't met him. It sounds lame to say he changed my life, but if you knew me back then you probably know that's true.

3) I'm more thankful than I can put into words for Gage. Being a mom has made my life complete. I'm still learning and growing, but he's been a big part of my transformation. The new baby will open a whole new chapter, and I'm thankful for him/her, too.

4) I'm thankful for the simple basics. A roof over our heads, warm places to sleep, enough money to meet our needs, food on the table, etc. I refuse to take those things for granted. Clean air to breathe? I'm thankful for it.

5) I'm thankful for my parents. They do, and have done so much for us. Not just tangible things, but the intangibles too. Supporting our decisions, being outstanding grandparents to Gage, being kind and generous to my husband are all things that I'm thankful to my parents for... But those are the tip of the iceberg. My parents are good folks.

6) I'm thankful for Brian's parents. Brian's mom is a super mother-in-law, and I am so blessed. She is really good to us, and another wonderful grandparent to Gage. Brian's dad loves Gage so much, and really is a great grandfather to him as well. I think Gage is so blessed to have so many people who love him and grandparents that want to be a part of his life.

7) I'm blessed for the grandparents I had. I will always miss my maternal grandparents. They were great people, and they loved me so much..... And I always knew it because they showed it.

8) I'm thankful for a good dog companion, Chevy. I miss her counterpart every day, but I'm glad he was a part of my life for the time I had him. And I'm glad Chevy is sill here and healthy.

9) I'm thankful for good friends who love us and faithfully share our ups and downs, and invite us to share theirs. It's sure a blessing to have people in our lives that care.

10) I'm thankful for my family's health.

11) I'm thankful that technology allows us to stay in touch with folks we've met and moved away from.

12) I'm thankful for no longer being friends with some people who have been very negative impacts on my life.

13) I'm thankful Brian has a job that allows me to stay home. We aren't getting rich, but we've got what we need.

That's all I've got for now, although there is so much more important can't put into words. I hope you have a happy, blessed, beautiful Thanksgiving, and remember all of your blessings today, too.

Odds and ends

I'm baking bread today. I kneaded it with the Kitchenaide for around 7 minutes and it is rising now. It looks gorgeous and smooth, so hopefully it will bake well. I've got the bowl covered in plastic wrap instead of a towel, and I'm hoping that with all of my adjustments to my technique, it will come out really nicely.

Gage woke up at 4:45 this morning. I got him back to sleep for a few minutes, then he woke up, and Brian got him back to sleep for a few minutes... Then he was awake for good. Needless to say, there's a lot of tired around here today. Especially because Brian works a full day today. Because he's tired, Gage is a funny mix of clingy and playful. It's extra cute. He's also having a foodie day; having eaten a bunch of cereal, a yogurt cup, a whole piece of buttered toast, a cup of milk, and two and a half bowls of applesauce. That was all before 10:30, so lunch is yet to come!

I've been reading a lot of people posting about being thankful all November, trying to put up one thing a day they're thankful for. I have so many, I'm not sure I could condense them into a month! Instead, I think I'll make a thanksgiving post that I can add to across this month, then post it on Thanksgiving day.

I thought I had more, but I guess that's it, really. Hope you're enjoying your weekend!