Oh, the insanity! Err... Insomnia.

**Please note: If you're thrown off by the date of this post, please note that it just published today. However, I wrote it and thought it had published on the sixth. When I logged on today, I noted that the publish failed, so I put it up.**

I can't sleep, so I'll just do a little rambling about what has been going on.

We've decided to stay where we're currently living for another year. It's not a decision that either of us feel particularly good about, but we know it's the right one. Monetarily, stability-wise for Gage, and to keep our sanity. It'll get a little cramped in our two bedroom to be sure when the new baby arrives, but it'll work out OK since she'll be in our room for the first year anyway. That might require a little furniture rearranging, but ah, well. We've moved three times in three years, and we just didn't want to do it again. Or pay a new deposit and moving expenses.

I've decided to start trying green smoothies with Gage. If you're not familiar with the concept, they're basically smoothies that are full of fruit, a little yogurt and milk, and some veggies. The idea is that the veg taste is hidden by fruit, but the veggie goodness is in there. We'll need to work harder to introduce veggies the traditional way too, but this will at least get some in him. He's picky and hates vegetables, so I want to get those nutrients in somehow. He's a great fruit eater, so hoping he'll take to the smoothies.
I've been hesitant to blog about this, but I've decided that there's no harm, as it isn't something I'm ashamed or even particularly worried about. But it is something. Gage is having a speech evaluation this month to see if he needs a little jump start. He really isn't talking yet, and while all of his other development is right on track or ahead of the curve, his words are nowhere to be found. We know he can hear and comprehend, but we would like to kickstart his vocabulary beyond three words and animal noises. He gets frustrated when he can't get his point across or express his desires, and that's just not fair for him. Hopefully from the evaluation, we'll get the tools needed to get the little guy talking. Otherwise, he's growing, learning, and doing awesome new things each day. He's a super great kid.

My pregnancy is going well. We're in the 27th week, and baby is growing a little every day. From ultrasounds and movement, it seems she's perfectly healthy, despite this hellish (for me) pregnancy. I'm really looking forward to not being pregnant anymore... In mid-April. I don't want her here even a day early. But I'm on the down-swing; I enter my third trimester in the next week, and if my due date is to believed, I've got 93 days left. This pregnancy has flown by, it seems.

My friend Nicole visited last weekend, and while we didn't get tons of time to hang out, it was still SO AWESOME to see her! I enjoyed staying up way too late and just chatting for hours. But I did get sad when she left, because we used to hang out at least once a week and now it's more like once a year, which is bad. But still, so good to see her. AND, she got to go to the Broncos/Steelers playoff game. Lucky! Can't wait to see the 49ers whoop the Saints, and the Broncos beat the Patriots this weekend. I know what we're doing Saturday. Football!

I guess my blog is legit now. Last post, I actually got a spam comment. Yep, my very first spam. I felt like an accomplished blogger as I deleted it.

I guess that's about all I've got for now. I'm going to try and get some sleep. Sorry that was all over the place, but I'm tired, what can I say?

Happy birthday, big two year old.

Dear Gage ~

I can't believe you turn two today. It seems like just yesterday I was at the hospital, barely just agreeing to further induction and epidural, wishing like crazy you'd make your appearance already. I was tired of labor, sure - but more than anything, I wanted to see your sweet face, meet you, and learn all about your personality. You were this perfect, tiny person who had been growing inside of me for nine months, and you knew me so much better than I knew you. I had prayed for you every day for those months; prayed that you would be strong, smart, caring, good, handsome, kind, loving, independent, sweet, and creative. My prayers must have been answered, because you are all of those things and more.

Each day I see you grow a little bit more. You become taller, more coordinated, quicker, and more brilliant which each passing day, and I am so, so proud of you. I guess I really always will be, and I know that you'll do great things. You'll do things that make you happy, things that are good and right, and I will always be proud of you no matter what.

You want to learn how to do every single thing. You don't like being told you can't do something because you're too little; you want to be able to do EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. I love your persistence, even though now and then, when you've taken something apart for the 50th time in one day, I get a little frustrated. Know that even though I get frustrated, I admire your strength of will and persistent spirit. Those traits will serve you well, all through your young years and into your adulthood. I hope you always feel that desire to learn, to do what you want to do to get better, to be the best at what you're aiming for.

Gage, do you know that you have never met a stranger? That is a cliched line, but it's true for you. Everywhere you go, people are just astounded by you. Your brilliant grin, your happy Presidential wave, your sweet demeanor and silly giggle win everyone over. Everywhere we take you, you make friends. I've been told how much you brighten peoples' day, people you've never before met and will likely never see again, just by being your own little charming self. I pray that this characteristic is not one you only have as a young boy, but one that you'll carry into adulthood.

The depth of your personality, especially for a two-year-old, astounds me. You already have such strong opinions, ideas about what you want, and ways of expressing yourself that are just amazing. You are quick to share a hug or a kiss, caring if I'm upset, and just overall so expressive of your feelings. Never let anyone tell you this isn't right, because it is so powerful to be able to share what you're feeling with others. It means the world to those around you.

You love your Daddy so much, and you're so excited to see him every day when he comes home. Seeing the two of you together makes me love you both even more, and I could not have asked for a better Daddy for you. He would do anything for you, and you two are my best guys. I hope you'll always know that if you need guidance in being a good man, you can go to your Daddy. He has first-hand experience.

I am so blessed to be your Momma, Gage. I never imagined how wonderful being a mom could be, and being YOUR Momma has been the most magical experience of my life. I pray that I continue to always do my very best for you, and that above all, you always know how very much you're loved, appreciated, and cared for. You have blessed us more than you'll ever know, and I will always love you, no matter what.

Be good, my son. Love your family, your friends, God, and your country. Accept our love in return; it will always be there for you. Happy second birthday, I can't wait to celebrate with you every year. Life with you is better than I ever could have dreamed possible.

With all the love in the world,
Your Momma

Halloween is less than 10 days away

And Gage is good to go. Since he isn't quite 2 yet, he won't be going trick-or-treating. He doesn't eat candy and Brian and I don't need buckets of candy around the house. I also feel Gage is too young to enjoy the experience of running around outside after dark, so there is really no point.

That said, I think dressing him up is a blast. We were at my mom and dad's house for Halloween last year, so we enjoyed sharing his "costume" with the family and taking pictures. We had stumbled upon some glow in the dark skeleton pajamas in Kohls that we thought were perfect--comfortable, warm, and soft. He wasn't a year old then, so it worked out great. He was really cute.

This year, I didn't give too much thought to Halloween until a few weeks ago. We'll be headed to my parent's house the weekend before Halloween, just to carve pumpkins, have dinner, etc, since Halloween is a Monday, we'll want to be home. We aren't decorating this year (we have very limited space in the apartment, none that grabby hands can't reach) so I just haven't been too concerned. But when I DID think about it, and started looking into costumes for our little, I discovered something unfortunate. Most costumes rely on headpieces for the majority of the effect... And Gage hates things on his head. I am not about to subject him to wearing something miserable just for one day of a few pictures.

We decided to just go the skeleton pajamas route again. And after searching high and low (who knew that after we stumbled on them last year, they'd be so hard to find this year?) we finally found the last set of 18-24 month skeleton Pjs at Old Navy. They'll JUST fit him, but we really only need them for now. They were on sale for under $10, so even better. I also didn't want to spend $20-$30 on a costume he would wear once. We picked them up, brought them home, and that was that.

Until I decided Gage needed matching footwear. Last time we went to Target, I was planning to pick up some white fabric paint, but forgot. Then I remembered that I had some fabric paint leftover from our wedding (I'm not too good at throwing away; we got married 4 years ago) and so I pulled it out of my arts and crafts box. I found a pair of black socks that Gage has almost outgrown, and stuffed an old pair of his sandals in them to stretch them like feet. Then I used the white fabric paint to paint on foot bones. And I think they came out AWESOME! They look really good. I can't wait to see him wearing everything, I think the full effect will be pretty cute.

So I guess if Gage wants to be a skeleton next year I'll just buy him a pair of black Pjs, and paint the bones on myself! 'Cause hopefully next year, he can have some say in what he wants to be!

It was not such a good day... until it was

Actually, I'm not too sure I ever hit the "good day" part, but I did manage to have a decent day. It was one of those days that just seemed like nothing could go right, and I wished I could have stayed in bed. Would it have been as crummy if I wasn't pregnant and hormonal? Maybe. But the fact is, between the events of the day and the hormones, I cried more times today than I usually do in a month.

The day started out ok, Gage slept until 7:00 AM which was awesome because he'd gone to bed at 7:00 PM the night before. So he got a solid twelve hours of sleep, and that makes me happy. Unfortunately for me, I had gotten a not-so-solid... um, maybe six hours. I was pretty tired. We walked Brian down to his car, and Gage fought me and cried all the way back upstairs because he wanted to go with Daddy. After playing for a bit, he climbed up into his highchair, so I fed him some breakfast. He can now get the tray off of his highchair himself, which is a bummer because he basically kicks it onto the floor. That can be with or without food. This morning, he did eat all of his breakfast before kicking off his tray, so that was something. He then proceeded to throw a huge fit when I tried to get him down. Guess he really wanted to stay in his chair and color, so I set him up with that for a bit, and all was peaceful.

The morning went ok from there, until I tried to get him to nap at 10:00 AM. At that point, it all went downhill. Gage was clearly tired, but he refused to nap. He screamed and fussed like the world was ending. So I went and got him after 10 minutes, figuring maybe I could settle him back down. It didn't work. We were due at my folks' house between 12 and 1, so I figured we could try again a little later. It never happened. He was wide awake, and wouldn't give any consideration to napping. About 12, I figured I better get ready with a quickness. That didn't go as planned. Gage felt the need to try to clear off my dresser, clear off the bathroom counter, open every drawer in the bedroom and try to pull stuff out, shut me in the bathroom, shut me in the bedroom, dump the water out of the humidifier, turn the lamp on/off/on/off, and generally reek havoc in our bedroom... all while giggling his ornery giggle and grinning big at me EVERY time I stopped him from doing something. It got a little frustrating. The third or fourth time I kicked him out of the bedroom, I was pleased by a few minutes of peace. He stayed in the family room for a bit, and I got my hair done. I came out of the bedroom to get him ready, and saw my previously full water bottle laying empty on the ottoman. I looked at the floor under the ottoman; it was bone dry. So I turn around to look at the couch, next to which is the end table that the bottle had sat on. Bingo. The couch was SOAKING wet.

I'm not proud to say that I sank to my knees in the middle of the room and bawled like a baby. Hormones and frustration. Heavy on the hormones. THEN I felt like a giant jerk, because (soaking wet) Gage came over, threw his arms around me, and cuddled up into my lap. He cuddles me if I cry; I am telling you he is the single sweetest kid I have ever met. So I held him, cuddled him, got myself together, and got him ready to go. We got out the door, and got to my folks' house. Because we were running late, they had eaten lunch without us, so it made me depressed to think that we would be at their house and eating by ourselves, even though that's dumb because they would sit with us while we ate, anyway. Hormones? Yes.

So we got there, and my dad told me they had some good turkey (lunch meat) for sandwiches. I'm a little nervous about lunch meat and listeria, so I didn't want to eat the turkey, even though it sounded good. My dad said they didn't have much else for me to eat... and that triggered a whole NEW crying jag. With me standing in their refrigerator crying over lunch. Again, ridiculous, because their house is loaded with food, and it isn't like I would starve, I would just have to look a little harder. My mom heard me, and gave me a hug, and we talked about it. Between eating lunch (my dad grilled me a hamburger) and watching Gage's happy delight in playing at his grandparent's house, I felt much better. It also helped to have someone sharing the Gage-chasing for a bit, as I was a little frazzled and frustrated. By the time I got home, my mood was much better.

When Gage and I got home, Brian and I split the dishes. Then we had a tasty dinner of leftover baked ziti and put Gage to bed. After the Biggest Loser, we're just kind of hanging out. I love this time of the evening. I really enjoy my days with Gage, don't get me wrong. He is the light of my life and I treasure every moment of being home with him. It is nice to have a couple hours of the evening just Brian and I, though.

Hope you enjoyed a good day. Or at least, a decent day, because a decent day is much better than a terrible day.

A Gage update

As promised, here's a little bit about Gage. He is awesome. That is all.

But seriously. He learns more every day and accomplishes so much. He is currently teaching himself to catch, which is so cute. Tuesday he has a doctor visit where we will get some tips to hopelly get him talking. He doesn't talk much yet, but communicates very well. He does get frustrated when he can't get certain things across, so if we could get him talking, it would be good for us all. Tomorrow I will spend the day logging all the words he says, so that should be fun. It'll probably mostly be animal sounds, as that is his primary conversation, verbally anyway. The doc wants an accurate picture of his verbal habits.

This will likely be my last update on cry-it-out. We are essentially done, I'm sick to death of blogging about it, and I imagine everyone is sick of reading about it. Suffice it to say... It worked for us. Once we got CONSISTENT with it, every single night, the process worked like a charm. Within a week, Gage was sleeping through the night. And I mean within a week of our restart. We weren't consistent the first month and that screwed us. Now, Gage smiles and waves when we lay him in bed and tell him goodnight. He is excited to go to bed, loves his routine, and even looks forward to "laying in his bed" after our bedtime stuff. It is really rewarding to see how he loves having his own bed to sleep in. He naps in there too. We are still working on nap duration but we will get there. And even better? He is weaned! We are on day 3 and he hasn't asked for it at all, which is amazing. We talked a lot to him about being big and how he doesn't need nutrients that way anymore, he eats from a plate and drinks from a cup like a big kid. Seems that may have helped ease the transition.

Guess that's really about it for now. Things are going great for Gage and we are cherishing this short time of him as an only child. We see the doctor at the end of this week about #2, so we are hoping all is well there. We are both feeling some apprehension that something may be wrong, but that isn't grounded in any reason, just what parents do I guess.

Hope you had a nice weekend, we did!

Snake-a-phobia (and other assorted miscellany)

Gage and I visited the doctor today. We learned that basically, cry-it-out isn't working for us because we have been doing it wrong since roughly night 5. Sigh. So as of tonight we are trying to get back on track. Gage has woken up once already (it is 12:22 AM) and got himself back to sleep in 10 minutes. Wish I could say the same for me. I just lay here, feeling like I'm waiting for him to wake up. Which is pointless, because I have to let him self-soothe anyway. But really glad the doctor thinks everything is a-ok, we just need to adjust our strategy.

Nothing else amazing going on. Monday morning Gage and I took Chevy for a walk, and had another snake encounter. This one was uncomfortably close to home. I had Gage in his wrap, and I specifically avoided the snakey weeds by our apartment complex park; we were walking there last week and saw a nice snake skin that had been shed. Do you know what a snake skin says to me? Snakes are present in this area. Shudder. So I'm not too comfy over there, especially since the apartment jerks don't bother to knock back the weeds over there. Walking through there I am just waiting for a snake to strike, and the weeds encroach so thickly on the path that it is entirely too easy for me to imagine. Seriously. I have a hearty fear of snakes, that goes without saying if you've read this far.

Back to my recent run-in. We were just getting ready to walk through some rocks to the sidewalk in front of our building when Chevy spotted a rabbit. She went after it, and I yanked her back. As I yanked her almost to me, I looked down at her feet, and saw a tan and brown snake, roughly 3 feet long, recoiling from her and doing the creepy tongue thing snakes do. THANK GOD it didn't bite her. And seriously, thank God for that rabbit. I was not far from that snake, but I would've been right on top of it if not for Chevy's antics. Wearing Crocs flip flops and just ripe for the biting. I did what any self-respecting snake-a-phobic (is there an actual medical term for snake-a-phobes?) would do. I shrieked like a girl and ran away from the snake. A guy getting his baby out of a Hummer nearby surely heard and saw my performance. He likely thought I was absolutely nuts. I may or may not have referred to slithery creatures with an obscene name and hoped aloud to Brian that when the maintenance guys mowed, they would grind up the snakey jerks. I don't like them that close to home. For once I'm kinda thankful we live on the second floor!

Fun ahead this weekend. Friday night (er, tonight, I guess) we are having some close friends over, then this weekend some friends from Albuquerque will be here. We can't wait to see them, too. And they'll be shocked when they see Gage.

Tomorrow, Gage and I have a blissful day of no plans. Hopefully his crib naptime (recommended by the doctor) will go ok. I have a feeling there will be a lot of tears. Gage probably won't be too happy with the arrangement either.

Hope you all are having a blissful night of sleep. I'm off to Google the clinical term for snake-a-phobia. Oh, hush. I know you're curious too.

ETA: Fear of snakes is ophidiophobia. And if you Google that, and your curiosity is peaked, yes, looking at pictures of snakes gives me anxiety and panic feelings.

A brief cry-it-out update

This will be a very brief post because I'm in desperate need of a shower... and sleep. Gage will see the doctor tomorrow morning to discuss his bizarre-o sleep issues. We are at the point where we feel like we've given cry-it-out a fair shake - and it hasn't really worked. Sure, we had a couple of good nights in there where we thought everything was going to be ok, but then we went right back to old patterns. The one good thing that has come of CIO is that he will go to sleep in his crib without crying. Unfortunately, he won't stay asleep in his crib, and many nights he wants to play at 2:00 AM. Clearly, this is an issue for all of us.

Hopefully the doctor can shed some light on why he is so against sleeping. Because right now, he won't even really sleep well with me. He just doesn't seem to be interested. So, who knows? I've done well logging our days, so I just need to organize and print those so I can take them with us. Also need to go through the blog and make note of the first 20 days or so and how they went, since I logged pretty faithfully here.

Keep us in your prayers. The sleep is something that affects all of us and we are all definitely feelin' it right now! I'm sure you can tell, seeing as how it's almost all I've written about for the better part of a month.

Flash card project, part 2

Here's some pictures of the finished product! Between Brian and I, it took most of Sunday and part of today.

The cards are totally worth it though. Gage loved them, and I think the engage him more than typical flash cards.

You'll notice some of the color cars look weird, like yellow, green, purple and orange. I had to color white cars, and shiny brochure paper isn't the easiest to color. Nissan doesn't have a large selection of purple, green, yellow, or orange cars. I know they aren't perfect, but I like them! And Gage likes them; that's the important part!


The above shot is of the colors, obviously.

This shot above is the number cards. Number 9 cracked me up because it got pretty hard to stack that many cars on and still have room for the number, word, and dots. Hee.

Finally, a picture of them all together. Is it funny that I'm really proud of these? Next up is a matching game made of cars and then a couple posters made of cars. Can't wait until the weekend for more car art baby projects. 

Flash card project

For a few weeks now, I've been wanting to make Gage some flash cards for letters, numbers, and colors. I wanted to do colors first because that's most age appropriate. I originally planned to just get a note card and make a color block on it, then write the color below the color block. Pretty normal, average flash card, right?

But then, I saw how Gage took to the colorful car sales brochures that Brian brought home from his work to read to Gage. He LOVES cars and trucks. So I thought, what better way to make engaging flash cards than to cut out pictures of the cars, stick a few of the same color to a card, then write the color below?! I got off track after cutting out the first few because, let's face it, it is tedious and difficult with a curious toddler.

This morning over breakfast, Brian took the idea one step further. He thought for each number, we could put that many cars on a flash card, plus that many dots, the number, and the word number. I love this idea! So while I try to get Gage napping, Brian is busy cutting out cars and trucks. We have a poster idea for him too, but I will have to post a picture because I can't adequately describe it.

I can't wait to show you the finished product! I will post a few pictures up when the flash cards are done.

A brief update because there's not a lot going on

There really hasn't been much going on. I've spent a fair bit of time tracking Gage's days with an app I got for my Droid called Cub-Cal tracker. It cost $2.99 but has been totally worth it. It is so much easier to keep track of his days with it. He had a pretty rough night last night; he woke up at 1:30 AM and just simply wouldn't go back to sleep. He played until 3:30 AM and then never really got back to sleep. Nor did I. Needless to say, we are all a little brainless today.

My nieces are in town and Gage has quite enjoyed playing with them when we are at my folks' house. There has been some serious drama going on with their family up north but I don't feel it is my place to post it here. Suffice it to say, their summer here is definitely for the best. Thursday, while we were at my parents', the two younger girls wanted to run through the sprinkler. Gage kept trying to, but the water falling on him made him so uncomfortable at first. He did enjoy his kiddie pool and running around. Right before I took him in to get him cleaned up for home, he decided to get into the sprinkler full on! It was excessively cute.

Yesterday morning we walked for close to three miles. I need to get an earlier start because by 11:15 AM when we were coming home, it was blazing hot. Gage seemed ok but I was sure hot. I took water bottles for each of us; I imagine Gage got tired of me shoving his water at him and telling him to drink. But when it is hot and dry I so want him to stay hydrated.

No plans for the weekend, Brian works a half day today so hopefully we can come up with something fun to do! I started my day with some Bible reading... I've been doing the chronological one year reading plan for 50 days now. I'm in the midst of Leviticus which is one interesting book. Reading Leviticus always makes me even more thankful for Jesus' sacrifice. The rules in the old Testament are intense.

Hope you all have a very enjoyable weekend!

Some random thoughts bouncing through my noggin

Let's see. I won't tell much about cry-it-out tonight, especially because I'm a little discouraged. We keep having such severe ups and downs that I believe something else is going on with the little guy. We'll have a few good nights and then go back to bad, or worse. Last night was a "worse" by far. Gage went down about 8:00 PM but didn't sleep. At 8:30 I went in and cuddled him until he was drowsy, at which point I put him back down. He slept until 9:30 when he fussed a bit and went back to sleep. Then came the badness. He awoke at 12:14 AM. I went in and rocked him as I usually do, and laid him back down. He was quiet. But around 1:00 AM (I think) he woke up again. At that point, I decided to just bring him to bed with us as I hadn't slept at all. He wouldn't sleep. All he wanted to do was get up and play. So I figured ok, maybe he'll play for 30 minutes, then realize how exhausted he is. No... he played until almost 4:00 AM. And even then, he didn't want to go back to sleep. I had a mini-breakdown and cried about my utter inability to fix this problem. Then the little fella slept until 9:30 AM this morning. He did not nap today outside of a car nap (I did this on purpose) and he played for a while at my parent's house. Hopefully he'll sleep well tonight, if for no other reason than sheer exhaustion.

If you've been following along, you know we're coming up on a month of cry-it-out. The doctor told us it would take a week. Obviously, every child is different. But why, after a month, do we see absolutely no progress that lasts? We have stuck to the bed time routine, we get him into bed at the same time every night as best we can, etc. There seems to be nothing that affects how he sleeps. Starting today, I am going to spend the week mapping out the details of Gage's day. After 7 days of mapping out Gage's days, I'm going to make an appointment with his pediatrician so we can try to figure out what on earth is going on with this little boy's sleep patterns. Why can he only seem to sleep for 4-5 hours at a time? Why does he have such a hard time relaxing? We have many questions that I feel need answers in order to get this sleep issue under control. That's where we're at. I downloaded an app for my Incredible that will help me track the little guy's patterns. I'll be monitoring and logging eating, sleeping, activity, what we do in a day, etc. I figure nothing is too small to log and assess for importance. In case you're wondering, it's 9:03 PM right now and Gage is indeed sleeping. Has been for a little over an hour.

The pictures are starting to pour in from Brian's cousin's wedding. We so enjoy getting to see the pictures everyone took. I can't wait until the photographer gets her pictures online though; it was such a gorgeous wedding that I am excited to see pictures.

One thing is for sure a result of all the family time this weekend and the wedding. I have got to get serious about weight loss. I think I've said that on here a few times, but seeing pictures of myself really brings the point home. I look about 5 months pregnant. My arms are huge, flabby, and fat; my gut looks like it's housing a baby, and my face is way too round. Add in my double chins, and you've got yourself a pretty chubby looking chick. I am not happy with myself, and I've got to get there. I hate being that girl that constantly looks at pictures of herself and hates them. But I've arrived at that point, and it makes me deeply unhappy. I want to look at pictures of myself and my family and say, "Wow, we look great/happy!" Instead, I look at pictures of us and say, "Wow, Brian, you and Gage look great!" While inside, I die a little, thinking that people probably look at me as a fat slob.

My biggest weight challenge is portion sizes. I think if I can get that under control I can get my weight going down again. I started trying to be more cognizant of portion size today. I had lunch with my mom and dad, and we had hot dogs (all beef) and chips. I had two hot dogs, but I did not have any chips as a side. I only put sourkraut on my dogs, and I ate them with whole wheat buns. I did not consume the entire bun. I ate maybe .25 oz of these cinnamon chips my parents have, as well as two graham cracker bites which are roughly the size of a silver dollar. I also had a scoop and a half of ice cream, around 1/4 cup. If you know me, you know this is pretty good. I didn't eat breakfast before I left the house, so lunch was sort of both. Yes, I am aware that this is bad. I rarely skip breakfast, but this was a WEIRD morning. Back to lunch, I ate slowly, and didn't continue eating when I was full. Stopping eating when I'm full is another biggie. If I really like the food I'm eating, I'll eat it fast and hard and then deal with the stuffed feeling consequences. I must re-train myself to eat slowly and stop when my stomach is satisfied - not stuffed. For dinner I ate nice, normal portions of everything I made. I'm focusing on dishing Brian and my meals onto salad plates as opposed to using our dinner plates. This will keep our portion sizes down. I want to stick to what the package recommends for serving sizes, especially with things like cereal and what-not.

The other part of my plan is to walk/run in the mornings before it gets too hot. I have been telling myself I can't get out because it's too hot to take Gage, but if we go early that isn't the case. Even if I'm dragging my butt from exhaustion, I can still get out there and walk a bit. It might even help refresh me and make me a little less cranky.

If I could get my weight under control, I know that I could be a happier person, and in turn a better wife and momma. And of course I would be healthier. When I'm always feeling like I'm not healthy, I'm not attractive, I'm the ugliest person in the room, etc, it is hard for me to be at my best. A big part of my issues with how I look is how I feel I reflect on Brian. He loves me as I am, and tells me so, but I can't help but feel that people judge him on how I look. I constantly wondered if his family was thinking about how much I've let myself go when they were here. I know this is ridiculous behavior, but I can't help it. I can't help but think my social anxiety would improve if I could feel more confident.

Don't get me wrong. I 100% know that looks aren't everything, or anything, really. But if I don't even feel healthy, then how can I feel comfortable in my own skin? I can't. But I want to. I want to be a positive, active role model for Gage. I've posted about that before, too. I refuse to give up, even though I've started and failed multiple times. I know you probably are thinking that I won't make it go this time either. But I'm going to do my best, and maybe, just maybe, this time I can make it stick.

Weekend Update: Cry-it-out edition

I've totally lost count of what night it is... let's see. I last posted night 20 on July 4, so that would make tonight night 25, I guess. It's been going pretty well, Gage has been doing alright despite some adversity with bedtimes due to life conflicts. Currently, he has been going to bed without crying for about a week, with only one evening where he cried a little when we laid him down. We went back in, got him out, and sat with him for another few minutes; we cuddled. He went back down easily and went to sleep. Last night and two nights prior, he did wake up around 11-12, crying. Last night, I went and got him, cuddled him in his rocking chair, nursed him a little, then laid him back down and rubbed his back. Once his eyes got really droopy, I left him, and he slept until 5:00 AM.

It has been a crazy week, so I'm not too surprised that he has had a little bit of issue with sleep. Wednesday, Brian's aunt got into town for Brian's cousin's wedding. We went to Brian's (local) aunt and uncle's house to visit with them and the aunt from out of town; we haven't seen her for many years and she hasn't met Gage. Brian's uncle and aunt that live here are the parents of the cousin who was getting married. After doing our best to get out by 7:30 to get Gage home into bed on time, we got out a little late, and got Gage to bed a bit late. He was also really overstimulated from the festivities and new people. He slept that night until 11:30, and then we let him sleep with us. Thursday night we were home, but when Gage woke up at 12:00 AM, we let him sleep with us again, knowing Friday would be a late night, since that was the wedding (at 6:00 PM, downtown Denver.) Friday we really wanted Gage to have two naps in preparation for a late-ish night, but he had other plans. He got in one late nap, and didn't sleep in the car on the way. He behaved beautifully at the wedding; we let him watch some Yo Gabba Gabba (with the sound off) on my phone during the ceremony so he would sit quietly. Thanks, Droid and Netflix. At the cocktail hour and reception he ran his little legs off. Brian or I just held his hands and walked around with him. He is sure an energetic kid! It was a gorgeous wedding, very much reflective of the bride and groom's personalities.

About 8:45 PM, Gage ran out of steam, so we loaded him up and brought him home. We got home, threw him into PJs, and got him into bed. I went down to talk to our neighbor downstairs for a bit, and we didn't get to bed ourselves until close to midnight. We are not going to be up late tonight!

Today, we went to a bar-be-que at (are you ready for this?) Brian's (newly married) cousin's wife's parent's house. It was pretty fun, but a little overwhelming. There was another Robinson aunt in town for the wedding, with her hubby and two boys. It was nice to spend more time with everyone, but there were a lot of folks we didn't know there too. Since we are both a little socially anxious, it was nice to come home and relax some after all of the social events of the week and weekend. We'll be in bed early tonight, and tomorrow will be a day of rest, relaxation, and maybe even a visit to the swimming pool.

Cry-it-out, night 20.. can't believe we've been going so long.

Happy 4th of July! So thankful for this country and all that it stands for. I am very proud to be an American and I thank all of our vets for the sacrifice they make to keep our country free.

I may be off on a couple days count but last night was definitely the 20th night. I'll go through when I am on my computer next and try to correct the days.

So last night may have been the breakthrough we have been waiting for. We put Gage to bed at 7:45 PM (he initiated his bedtime routine early,) and we went to bed just passed 11:00. We heard him stirring a bit around 11:30, and with all the fireworks noise outside, we thought for sure he would wake up. For all of our sanity, we had decided if he woke up we would bring the little guy to bed with us. He never progressed to crying. Suddenly I woke up, saw dim light filtering through through window, and realized it was 5:07 AM! As I write this it is almost 6:00 AM and he is still sleeping. Hooray! Now, if only I could go back to sleep!

Cry-it-out, Night 16... No crying!

I already told you that Gage slept until 5:00 AM and then I put him in bed with us... he nursed for a while and cuddled, but didn't fall back asleep. He did sleep from 8:30-10:30, which totally screwed him up for afternoon nap, as in it didn't happen. I think we need to adjust his nap times if we can get a consistent night time sleep. I'm holding out hope that tonight will be that night. We did his whole bedtime routine (starting at 7:30 PM) and laid him in his crib at 8:00 PM. He never even cried after I lay him down! He popped his head up and repositioned, but he didn't fuss like he usually does. So I will take that as a very good sign. We are hoping that tonight will bring a long sleep. Brian adjusted the vent in Gage's room to blow away from the crib, and he also adjusted the flow so that it won't get as cold in there. Our goal is to have his room a comfortable temperature for his sleep, rather than having him freezing cold. We are curious as to whether the temperature in the room dropping as he sleeps is causing his late night/early morning wake ups. Fingers crossed that we have jumped the final hurdle... only time will tell.

We are looking forward to a long weekend. Brian has Monday off, but has a half day on Saturday. We have plans with friends on Saturday afternoon, so that should be fun. The rest of the weekend, thus far, is wide open. Next week Brian only has a three day work week. His cousin is getting married Friday, so he took that day off. We are SO excited for the wedding! I found a really terrific dress at Target today, on clearance, to wear for the wedding. I was excited to get a good deal and find a really pretty dress. I had really hoped to lose some weight before the wedding, but circumstances have sort of worked against me. I haven't been running (I missed my 5K goal, which made me pretty sad, but I'm just going to keep trying,) and I haven't been eating terribly well either. But I'm hopeful that as the nights get a little better, and I catch up this awful sleep deficit, that I can start running in the mornings before it gets too hot. Right now all I can do in the morning is sit on the couch and stare blankly at Gage while he plays. I am so tired in the mornings, it takes me a good long time to wake up. No way could I run in the mornings right now on 3-5 hours of sleep. I would be injured before I knew it. Maybe in the next few weeks! I really would like to lose some weight before my 30th birthday. I had hoped that I would turn 30 in the best shape of my life. I could still make that happen, but time is running down. I just need to be more active, and I need to be more rested to be more active. Ugh. I seem to be a master at giving myself excuses, but I'm not sure that exhaustion is just an excuse.

I guess that's about all I've got for now. I'll give you an update on how the night goes ... hopefully tomorrow!

Cry-it-out, Night 15

Gage is asleep after about 30 minutes of crying, at 8:30 PM. Last night he was out in about 2 minutes but awoke at 1:30 AM. Tonight I'm going to try nursing/rocking him in his room to calm him down, then putting him back in his crib. We shall see how that goes. It is hard to leave him cry at 1:30 when you live in an apartment building!

Tonight we are geeking out due to having received Google+ invites. So we are playing with that! Pretty exciting stuff there, haha!

Had a nice lunch and afternoon with my mom today. Gage really enjoyed running around in their yard and playing in the sandbox at my parents' house. It was pretty hot, but overcast, so not as hot as it could've been.

I made carne adovada for dinner tonight and it came out awesome. Brian is something of a carne critic so I was a little nervous but he really liked it. It cooked in the crock pot all day and man did our house smell delicious.

That's all I've got for now. Here's hoping there's a night of deep sleep ahead of us!

Update: the little guy slept until 11:45 PM, and woke up crying. I went in and helped him relax, rocking him, etc. I put him back in his crib and he cried for maybe 15 minutes before going back to sleep. He slept until 5:00 AM. So we will keep trying going in to comfort him and putting him back in bed. I also discovered that our AC vent in his room blows straight on his crib, so we will remedy that. Maybe the cold air is waking him!

Cry-it-out, Night 13 ... so far so good!

This morning Gage woke up at 4:30 AM. We ended up just going to get him, as I had had a very difficult time going to sleep. We had some issues with our upstairs neighbors being obnoxiously loud at around 11:45 PM, suffice it to say their nocturnal activities were louder than they should have been for people living on the third floor of an apartment building. I ended up just getting out of bed for a bit and making another complaint to the apartment company about them... they won't do anything but it made me feel a little better. I'd only been asleep around three and a half hours when Gage woke up, so I didn't have the strength to let him cry. Hopefully we aren't messing things up by bringing him to bed with us when he cries in the night; I really don't know what else to do at this point. He often won't cry back to sleep when he awakes. My hope is that his sleep periods will just get longer and longer until he sleeps until 6:00 or 7:00 AM. We shall see. He won't go back to sleep at 4:30, in case you're wondering. He ended up staying up and playing until about 7:30 AM, at which point we both slept for another three hours.

Tonight was a pretty good night for cry-it-out, at least so far. We started Gage's bedtime routine at 7:15 PM, at his request. We decided that we would just try and space it out enough that it would get us close to 7:45-8:00 by the time we lay him down in his crib. After all of his usual stuff, including some time looking at a Nissan Titan, then a Nissan Juke sales brochure, and doing some colors that way, we rocked him for a bit, told him how much he is loved by us, our family, our friends, and God, we lay him down. He started off laying down, but popped up as we began to walk away, crying. But, he only cried for around 10 minutes! Then he settled right down and went to sleep. We got him down at 7:45 and he was totally quiet by 8:00. This seems an important victory for us. It's 8:45 right now, so hopefully he will stay asleep. I'll keep you posted.

I've been doing some thinking the past few days about marriage, as Brian's cousin is getting married next weekend. They are a couple that remind me a little of Brian and I. They dated/co-habitated for around 5 years before getting engaged. I would like to tell you a little about my thoughts on a successful marriage... but I'm going to do it in another post. I don't feel right lumping that into this post about our crying kid, because that in and of itself brings its own special sort of stressors to a marriage. But my marriage post will address that a little too. So, I'll update again on this post when I go to bed, it should be that Gage is remaining quietly sleeping.

Sometimes, my faith in the teens of today is badly shaken

My friend Alecia and I had lunch today. We ate, had some really nice conversation, and by the time we were done eating, Gage was done sitting. Not being done talking, we decided to walk around and talk, so that Gage could burn some energy. We were at an outdoor mall, so we just meandered down the sidewalk, in the shade of the buildings. In the shade, it was warm but not hot, and the mall was not terribly busy. As we walked and talked, we mostly tuned out the other shoppers. At one point, Gage was walking very slow, and having a hard time not stopping to try and play with his little red car that he was carrying with him. A woman and her teenage son, apparently in more of a hurry than we were, actually squeezed passed, walking on the edge between the sidewalk and the planter beds. I couldn't believe they didn't even bother to simply try saying, "Excuse us." I would have moved Gage to the side so that they could comfortably pass, if they would have just spoken. Instead, they rudely crowded through. I told Alecia, "Just think, she just taught her son that that sort of behavior is totally acceptable!" Now, lest you think we were letting Gage block the whole sidewalk, people were easily passing us on the other side of the sidewalk; I imagine they realized that when you're walking with a toddler you don't make the best time.

So we got passed that interesting scenario. We were back to walking, watching Gage, and talking about Alecia's new niece. I looked up at one point, because I heard loud, bass-y music coming from a passing car. I looked up just in time to see an SUV, window down, with a teenager hanging out the passenger window. He looked straight at Alecia and I and proceeded to make one VERY obscene gesture. I won't tell you what the gesture was, but it was more inappropriate than even flipping us off! With both of our mouths agape, and slack jawed, we watched as the SUV passed. I was so shocked, I couldn't have even told you what either teen in the SUV looked like, what color it was, or even what make it was. I was absolutely shocked that even a teen would make such a gesture at a mother and her child. I am so thankful that at least Gage was 1) too short to see over the plants at the edge of the sidewalk to see the gesture, and 2) is too young to have noticed, even if he'd seen. I don't know what I would've done if he had been a little older and said, "Momma, what does THAT mean?" Or worse yet, tried to imitate it. Here are two 30-ish women, walking down the street with a little kid, and getting a gesture like that! Absolutely disgusting. These were obviously middle to upper-middle class kids, I do know the SUV was newer and not in bad shape. Appalling behavior, to be sure.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I was the perfect teen, or that I've never done anything wrong in my younger years. In fact, that would be the opposite. I was a fan of hot rodding cars, so I would usually try to shock people by gunning the engine, doing burn-outs, etc. Totally inappropriate behavior, to be sure. But I never, never, never would have done something like that, especially with kids in the area. In fact, I once was gunning the engine and burning out in a parking lot of a movie theatre, when I was around 17. I got pulled over by a police officer in the area. He informed me that he couldn't give me a ticket, as we were on private property, but asked me to think deeply about what would have happened if a kid were crossing the street, and the car got away from me. I took that to heart. I knew I could never live with it if I hit a kid. Did I never speed again? Oh, no, I definitely did not stop speeding. But I did keep it down in parking lots. It took me a few more years to realize I needed to tone it down in neighborhoods, but I did learn that lesson too, fortunately not because anything bad happened. Now-a-days, I more often than not look down at the speedometer, feeling like I'm really going way too fast, just to learn that I'm only doing 3-5 MPH over the speed limit. It is much nicer on the ol' insurance rates.

If you have kids, please remember that your actions bear great meaning to them. You may teach them right with words, but are you teaching them right with your actions? It is far more important to be a good example of respect, kindness, and humbleness, than to simply tell your child how to act while you do the opposite. I am still learning this. I have, in my house right now, a little 18-month-old sponge. He sees and hears everything I say and do. With each passing day, it becomes more and more important to be the example of what we want him to be. We can all do with a reminder now and then that while we love our kids, and want them to love us back, we are first and foremost parents. We aren't made to be best friends or buddies, at least until our kids are a good bit older and well into adulthood. It is our responsibility to shape and mold this next generation into kind, giving, humble, polite, functioning members of society, and unless we provide good examples, that just cannot happen. Good examples and boundaries are key.

Anyway. Guess I'll get down off my soap box, and enjoy my evening with my husband. The kiddo has fallen asleep and we can relax.

Cry-it-out, Night 12

Last night's session ended about 3:00 AM. Gage woke up around 2:00 AM, crying like he had nothing good left in his life. We lay awake listening to him cry over the monitor, and talked about how long we'd let him cry. We settled on an hour, and lay there listening. Suddenly, after close to an hour had passed with the cries not subsiding, we heard a huge crash from somewhere in the apartment. Gage was silent for a moment after the crash--and then started crying a horrified, almost hurt sounding cry. Brian and I were out of bed in a flash, running as fast as we could for Gage's room. We discovered him standing in his crib. We grabbed him out of bed, and his cries subsided. We went back to our room, and checked our bathroom to attempt to discover the source of the crash. Finding nothing out of place in our bathroom, we went to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes, it was decided that neither of us would be able to sleep without knowing the source of the crash. We headed to the kitchen, and there we discovered that a figurine I had made for our wedding had fallen off of the area above our cabinets. Secure in knowing what the source of the noise was, we all went back to bed. We let Gage finish out the night with us, because he had certainly been badly frightened by such a loud noise in the night. He slept until around 8:30 PM.

Tonight, we got the little guy into bed about 7:50 PM. We did his normal bedtime routine, and let him spend some time looking at the GT-R book. He seemed comfortable and sleepy. We said our goodnights to him, and Brian laid him down. There was a moment of happiness for us, as he lay quietly on his side. But then he popped right up and started crying. As of now, it's been around 10 minutes, and he's still sobbing. We had really hoped for a repeat of last night's quick sleep, but it seems it won't be so. Hopefully he'll fall asleep soon, and spend the night sleeping, laying down.

Update: He was asleep by 8:15 PM, so that's pretty good. Now just praying he sleeps through the night!

Cry-it-out, Night 11 ... is it a breakthrough?!

Sorry for the lack of post about yesterday's cry-it-out! If you're following along on how it's going, last night was particularly bad, but not really because of Gage. I had some very weird lower stomach issues that kept me from being present for most of the bedtime routine, and Gage found that disconcerting. He also could tell that I was in pain, and that bothered him very much. So he cried through most of his story, and couldn't get settled down. We had decided to do more cuddles after his story, in the hopes that he wouldn't instantly start sobbing the moment we closed the book, but he was so upset and I was so in need of the bathroom that it didn't go according to plan. It took him only 30 minutes to fall asleep, with periodic wakings throughout the evening. He also woke up at 2:20 AM, was awake for about 30 minutes, and he slept after that until 6:40 AM today. He was pretty tired today, only napped for two hours, and by this evening was a disaster. He threw fits over every little thing, like not being allowed to watch TV. We never let him watch much TV at all, but for some reason when he wants it, he REALLY wants it. We typically tell him no, because we are not trying to get him into the TV habit. On to tonight...

So far, so good. We started his bedtime routine around 7:20 tonight because he was so clearly exhausted. We were able to try and implement our extended routine tonight, though. While Gage and I were reading story, Brian was sitting nearby, checking out the brochure for the 2012 Nissan GT-R (which is AWESOME, by the way, but it deserves its own post.) When we finished story and I was rocking Gage, he looked over at what his daddy was doing with interest. Brian asked him jokingly, "Do you want to read about the new GT-R, buddy?" Gage reached for the brochure, so I took it from Brian, who showed me a good page to read to Gage. I read it to Gage and he demonstrated an attention span I haven't seen for days due to his level of exhaustion. After reading a bit, he started to look at pictures. He leafed through the whole brochure, pointing at pictures and making interested sounds. We let him look at it for probably around 20 minutes. At that time, there was a lot of eye rubbing, a lot of yawning, and Gage kept collapsing against me, cuddling his GT-R book. I told him he could have a few more minutes to look at it, and then he was going to bed. When I mentioned bed, he pointed to his crib, but didn't fuss. Guess we are truly a family of car geeks.

A couple minutes later, I asked him to give the GT-R book to daddy, promising that we could look at it again tomorrow. After a minute or so, he handed it over to Brian. I picked him up from the rocking chair, cuddled him, gave him some kisses, told him I love him. Brian did the same. We went to the crib and Brian turned on the sleep frog. We laid him down, and he started crying. After leaving the room, Gage only cried for around 10 minutes! Now it's totally silent from his room. That makes us so happy! Hopefully this night will be a turning point for Gage, and for us. Certainly the past few nights have been very trying. We were starting to feel like we are doing something wrong here.

I just hope he sleeps the whole night through tonight, laying down. That would make both Brian and I very happy!
Update: as of 10:45, the little guy is still fast asleep laying on his tummy. This could be the breakthrough we've been waiting for! Just hope he sleeps until at least 6:00 AM, which would be a solid 10 hours!
Not much else going on other than that. I've got to call our insurance company tomorrow or Monday (not sure if they're open tomorrow) to fight with them about some labs I had done that they didn't pay for. Not sure why they wouldn't have paid for lab work. I'm also having lunch with my friend Alecia tomorrow, so I'm really looking forward to that! It should be a good weekend.

Ok, ok, so you probably don't care. I don't think the market for mommy bloggers who love cars is really all that high. But since I told you how awesome the new GT-R is, I would feel just wrong about not even giving you any pictures and a little info. So here are a couple:

This color is new for 2012. I'm not sure how I feel about blue cars in general, let alone blue sports (super) cars. But there are some pictures of this color on the GT-R in the brochure that I believe to have been taken at the Bonneville Salt Flats in UT... and the color looks AMAZING. Not sure that I'd buy it, but who knows. Sometimes it's nice to do things a little differently. Although, it's not like I have to worry about what color I'd choose for a GT-R. They do happen to be just a little outside of my price range at just under $90k. 

This engine... ungh... it makes me drool. It is such a beautiful piece of manufacturing. It is a gorgeous engine. The sort of power that Nissan has gotten out of this SIX CYLINDER is awesome! It can hit a top speed of 193 MPH. It also does 0-60 in UNDER THREE SECONDS. I am serious. That is not a typo, the GT-R does it in 2.9 seconds. Can you imagine that feeling? Flat out acceleration, hitting 60 miles per hour in under three seconds? Whew. I have driven some fast cars in my time, but never anything anywhere near that fast. 

Guess there's a reason the GT-R is nicknamed Godzilla. 

Cry-it-out, night 9

Tonight is like last night. Awful. Sorry, I have no more to say about it than that. Gage clung to me before I put him down and that made it so much worse. I don't even want to write about it. So, nothing more to say than that for tonight. I have not wanted to throw in the towel on this thing more than I do tonight. It is truly awful. 

Update: Gage cried for 30 minutes and then got quiet. Not a peep from him. We felt hopeful that this meant he was laying down. So, as we shut down for the night at 10:30, I went to check on him. He is laying peacefully on his side, cuddled up with his stuffed Gee. This makes me feel more positive! Maybe we are making progress.