Is this a weight loss blog?

Ok, not really. But I do want to document some things about my weight loss here.

Yesterday was my weigh in day at Weight Watchers! All my hard work and good decisions paid off. I lost two pounds! And that was even using most of my weekly points in addition to my daily points. If I can just stay on track, I can definitely do this.

I am determined to do it though. I think small decisions lead to big habit changes and that is so awesome. I shared my story in the meeting yesterday and felt so pleased that a couple people were really touched by it. Sometimes we feel like someone really needs to hear what we have to say.

Gonna be another good week. I want a steady weight loss from here on--no more up and down.

Heavy hearted

Well, I had planned on posting a little tonight about my weight loss victories of the past few days because I am proud of them. But I feel all wrong posting about that sort of thing before at least expressing my deep sorrow and condolences for all of those affected by the bombing at the Boston marathon. I guess as an aspiring runner it makes me heart heavy to think that something as simple and as old as this marathon will now be tainted forever by this horrible tragedy. Which is not to even mention the horror at those who were injured or lives lost, like that of an eight-year-old. Boston, it's residents, and all those affected have my prayers and thoughts tonight.

So, I will tell you about my weight loss victories, because I think it's time to stop letting violence overtake life. But it is with a heavy heart tonight, and these small victories seem so much less sweet to me than they did twelve hours ago.

I've counted points and tracked my eating all week. I haven't done that for months. I haven't stayed under my points every single day, but I haven't gone over my weekly points, and I've faithfully tracked. This includes Sophie's birthday party on Saturday. I definitely went over, but I tracked it.

I've had my head in the game all week. I've had WW on the brain in a way I haven't for a while. So I'm happy about that because I have been just kind of letting it go ignored and I guess I think it's a good sign I'm thinking a lot about it again.

A friend offered to bring me doughnuts and coffee this morning. I said no to the doughnuts, yes to the coffee. I thought last night, when she offered, that not having doughnuts would totally justify having a huge, fat and sugar laden Frappucino this morning. However, when the time came and she asked what I wanted, I asked for a Venti skinny vanilla latte. Four points instead of 14. No whip. It was still tasty, just not awful and calorie laden. I try to avoid artificial sweeteners, but this latte was fortunately not SUPER sweet, so hopefully didn't use much. I was EXTREMELY proud of myself for this. I can justify to myself almost any calorie laden thing. And my brain didn't even really go there. So that's awesome.

I ate a cupcake today left over from Sophie's birthday. I really wanted a second. But when I figured the points and tracked it, I decided a second cupcake wasn't really worth it to me. So I didn't have one. That makes me happier than the cupcake would have.

If I could bear in mind how good these things make me feel, I think it would go a long way to helping me cut back on eating junk. I've felt proud of having a 4 point coffee instead of a 14 point coffee all day. If I had had the 14 point coffee, I wouldn't even be thinking about it anymore, it would've just been one  more junky thing I would have shoveled into my face. But instead, I'm feeling proud of myself and happy at my choice. And hopefully these little choices will all add up to good numbers on the scale on Thursday.

I also want to share about these things at Weight Watchers on Thursday. Maybe they will help someone else. We never really know if what we are sharing is what someone else desperately needs to hear. So don't keep your light under a basket! The world needs all of our light, especially now.

For my baby girl, on her first birthday

Dear, sweet Sophie ~

What can I say about Sophie? You are amazing. My baby girl, who is almost not a baby anymore; as of today you are officially a toddler. You came at a time when I most thought I wasn't sure of how another baby would impact our lives, just as Gage came when I was unsure of how a baby would impact our lives. And just like Gage, you are one of the best things to ever happen to me. I have loved every day with you since you graced us with your presence, and I will continue to do so. I've said it 100 times and I'll say it 1,000 more, at least--my worst day with you is better than my best day without you.

What can I say about Sophie? You are adorable, brilliant, charming, daring, amazing, brave, cuddly, and absolutely awesome. You climb everything with the most ornery grin on your face. I dress you in these adorable, feminine outfits, and then watch you walk, climb, fall, crawl, jump, and chase your brother around in them. I marvel at you. Your understanding of things far surpasses babies your age. You reason, you work through problems, you understand how things work that would baffle most babied your age.

You aren't a baby that plays with toys, oh no. You want to be learning and figuring things of the world, not babydom. But I'm so afraid of how quickly you're growing up; already you seem so advanced yet you still look like a tiny, walking baby. You are so independent yet still so needy. You still want Momma when you're tired or cranky, and you always like a cuddle when you're sleepy. I hope you can always come to me when you need a cuddle or a love. You do have some attitude though, that leads to an angry squawk and you stomping off to pout when you don't get your way. You are going to be a blast to watch grow and develop. You are so unique and I hope you can always let you just be you.

I couldn't be more pleased with you, Sophie. You are everything I've said here and more, because I could never capture you with words. You're a pleasure to have around, and quite a hoot. So glad you're here, my baby who is almost not a baby anymore. A year ago today, I had no idea what it was like to be momma to a girl, and now I can't imagine life without you. What a blessing you are, and I am so, so, so proud to be your Momma.

So much love for you!
Momma

A quick weight loss post.

So, I'm kind of just jumping back in here. I'll give an update one of these days, when I feel like! Anyway. I've been doing Weight Watchers since... I dunno, September, maybe? I started out strong; lost 11 pounds or so. Then, I stalled. And I've been up and down over the same milestone weight about 6 times now, and I'm sick of it.

And I even know why. Why? Because I lose a decent bit of weight with WW and then I think I'm cured. Cured of food addiction, cured of the mumbo jumbo that rattles around in my brain surrounding food (hint: food and I have a dysfunctional relationship), cured of overeating at large. Then my weight loss stalls, and I quit. But not this time.

The last meeting, I had gained back 3.2 lbs. I was disgusted with myself, sick at heart, and completely discouraged. I bawled my eyes out the minute I got in the car. And... I think that was exactly what I needed. I have redevoted myself to the program. It is time I figure out how to look at food as sustenance--not a reward, not a release, not a comfort, not a fix. I am a step ahead of so many others in that I KNOW what healthy eating looks like. I just need to get back there.

So today was day two. I tracked all day, I watched what I ate, I avoided junk. I am PROUD of myself. And I'm not giving up. Not this time. My health and my family depends on it. Tomorrow will be hard, it is Sophie's first birthday. I will be bittersweet all day, and surrounded by food. But I'm going in with a game plan! I'll be having one plate of food, pre-tracked. When it's gone, it's gone, unless I want veggies, haha. I will have ONE small piece of Sophie cake, the rest will go away. I can do it. There's no time like now, and I know I can.

Happy birthday, big three year old.

My dearest, most awesome son ~

I'm not even sure I can put into words what the past year has looked like for you. Indescribable, amazing, fantastic, terrifying, miraculous, incredible, beautiful, and defying of all logic are a few that could start. But you don't do anything halfway, oh no. You go all the way and you are so incredible.

Gage, when you turned two, you didn't speak. As you turn three, you are speaking at a four-year-old level. You don't understand that now, you are just so pleased you can communicate. But to us, it is absolutely incredible. You are so smart and clever, and you love to use words that you hear us use. Good thing we neither swear around you nor talk down to you! Your vocabulary rivals many Jr. High kids and sometimes I have to remind myself you're just three.

You became a big brother. I wonder how that feels? You are most likely the most affectionate big brother in the history of time. You love Sophie so much, and you love to hug her, hold her, and kiss her. I think you would help me care for her, if you could. I can't believe how sweet and kind you are to her. Never jealous, never cruel, and you have never asked us to send her back, just loved her. You tote your "new big brother" books around still, seeming so proud to be a big brother. It's not all perfect when Sophie tries to take your stuff, but I feel like you and she will be the best of friends. I sure hope you will, there's no friend like a sibling if you can manage it.

You're excessively smart. All parents think that, sure. But you really are. Your grasp of concepts and meanings is so beyond your age it's absolutely unbelievable, unless we're talking about Gage. But not just smarts; you are the most empathetic three year old I've ever heard of or met. Sure, you're toddler-egocentric, all kids are. But you care how others are feeling, and you want everyone to be happy and have fun. You care when others are sick or down and you want to help. I hope we can always have as good a relationship as we do now, with your sporadic hugs and random smiles. 

What a wonderful boy you are. I'm so very, very blessed that you are my son, and I only pray that I can be the sort of momma to help you grow, learn, and reach your potential, whatever that may be. You amaze me a little more every day, and I'm so proud you're my son. I've said it 100 times and I'll say it 1,000 more, at least--my worst day with you is better than my best day without you.

When do I love you?
All the time.

Love, your Momma

The Dark Knight Rises shooting

As yet we have no motive. I have lots to say about this horrific tragedy but at this time I don't feel it's right or necessary.

Suffice it to say my thoughts are with the victims and their families. My prayers are for all affected. This is a sick, sad, wrong tragedy in our fallen, broken world.

Heartbroken today.

Shooting at the Dark Knight Rises

Why?! WHY?! I just want to know why someone would open fire in a movie theatre that is going to be predominantly filled with young people. Summertime and a midnight screening is teenager central and someone is going to go in there shooting? I honestly can't stand this world tonight. This is my home state. It breaks my heart that this happened anywhere but especially here. This is the world we live in. I am just sick over this and can't stop thinking of those injured and the families of those whose loved ones will never come home again. Praying for all of those affected. Praying no one I know was there. This is just sick, sick, sick.

I got up to feed the baby, who is going through a growth spurt and checked the time on my phone only to see this report. Now I can't get back to sleep and I have no one to talk to about this insanity; I vocalize to process so here I am bogging about something horrific as my first blog in months.

This is so vile. Reports are that children, even babies may be amongst the dead. I pray it isn't so. I pray the reports of 14 dead and 39 injured are overblown amounts and that no one is dead and the injures aren't critical. This is just awful.