Well, I have made no progress on keeping the house organized yet. I've been trying really hard to keep up on cooking each night, boxing leftovers, and baking bread (we go through bread FAST.) So it's a start. I did manage to dirty just about every dish, plate, bowl, utensil, and measuring cup a few days ago, leaving me with three loads of dishes to do. I've been working away on those; my energy level is pretty laggy because of this pregnancy.
Tonight I made homemade pizza for the first time. I made the dough, the sauce, and did not make the cheese, haha. I'm not really that ambitious. I used mozzarella and Parmesan cheeses, and topped one pizza with bacon and left one cheese. The sauce/cheese ratio on the cheese was a little better; I think it'll take me a few tries to get them just right. Also, my lack of pizza stone or pizza screen left the bottom a little less crunchy than I would've liked, but it was still delicious. Next try, I will take the pizza off the pre-heated cookie sheet halfway through the bake to crisp up the bottom. I don't want to spend the money or space on a pizza screen right now. My kitchen is already so full of cooking things that I don't have places for all of them; I can think of things I could use a lot more frequently than a pizza screen, too. Brian liked the pizza so much he said he had to force himself to stop eating it and Gage ate most of three pieces. I liked it a lot, too!
I also baked bread today, and tweaked my recipe a little to allow for using honey in place of sugar. Since I use a good bit of wheat flour instead of straight white like the original recipe, I'm looking forward to trying honey wheat. I've FINALLY gotten the hang of the loaf! I figured out the last part of the puzzle was the loaf shape. Not just shaping it, but actually using a technique that would allow the bread to rise into the perfect domed loaf. The last two batches of bread I've made have come out PERFECT and I'm so proud of having finally mastered bread baking, especially at altitude. It brings me great joy to feed my family this beautiful, preservative-free bread that I've baked myself. And the ingredients for ... oh, I don't know, approximately ten or twelve loaves of bread cost roughly what two loaves of bread laden with high fructose corn syrup, preservatives, and lots of stuff I can't pronounce. That makes me happy.
We ate homemade food every night this last week, and hopefully will continue into the weekend. We've got loads of leftovers; red beans and rice, chicken stuff I made, pizza. I've got eggs for breakfast and pancake makings. So we should be able to easily continue our ban on going out through the weekend, which is always our hardest time for eating at home. It's just so easy to run out and pick something up when we're feeling lazy.
What a nice evening, with home-cooked food and good company. Brian got home, the second pizza was almost done, and it was almost 80 degrees in our apartment. Between being on the second floor on a warm day and having a 500 degree oven running for close to 30 minutes, it was warm. We opened up the back door, and let the cool evening air in. Gage was in a fantastic mood after eating so much pizza, and we cranked up the Railbenders on the stereo. Good times.
Pregnancy update... the baby is sitting so much higher than Gage did. She's already up in my ribs and it's pretty uncomfortable if I sit after eating in certain positions, because I feel like a gastric bypass patient with a stomach that can't contain the amount of food I just swallowed. And it doesn't take overeating to hit that point, just sitting in the right position. I have a feeling I'm going to be feeling pretty crowded by April! Also, I think I may experience the belly button pop this time around. Gage was so low, my belly button never even came close to popping out, but this time, I'm already stretching out in that area. Fortunately, I have no swelling like I did with Gage, and I haven't gained anywhere near as much weight, so that's all good news. I'm sure looking forward to not being pregnant anymore... in April.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Can you believe it?
TheAutoMomma blog has been up and running for a year today. I've learned a lot over this year of blogging, and been a little surprised that I've stuck with it, even though I've had some times where I haven't done much writing. I love having this outlet, and I hope you enjoy reading. If you do enjoy reading, please follow/recommend me to your friends. Also, if I don't know that you read, leave me a comment and say "hi!"
I'm going to keep working on bringing my post counts back up again, also, so look for more content in the coming weeks!
Thanks for reading. I sure am glad you're here.
I'm going to keep working on bringing my post counts back up again, also, so look for more content in the coming weeks!
Thanks for reading. I sure am glad you're here.
Monday, January 16, 2012
New Years (non) resolutions
I don't really do New Years resolutions. I find that's a great way to set yourself up to fail. However, in the upcoming year, I have some goals that I want to work on, which will hopefully allow me to better myself, and life for my family.
I wanted to make these changes anyway, and the new year just happened to coincide nicely. So I'll tell you what I'm up to today, and how that translates to the changes I want to make this year.
Today, I'm baking bread and planning a really yummy dinner with ingredients we already have. The dinner will hopefully have leftovers enough for a lunch or two and another dinner. I also downloaded a free Kindle book today (no, I don't have a Kindle, but I have a Kindle app on my Incredible 2) called Organized Simplicity. It was free today, which is awesome! How do these seemingly small things fit into the rest of the year? Let me tell you.
1) I want to become better organized at home. I'm pretty much a cluttered mess, and it makes me sad and drives me crazy. Brian puts up with it, but I doubt very much that he thinks it's wonderful. He's pretty much a neatnik, so I think that having a scatterbrained wife and a cluttered, messy home isn't something he would've dreamed of. It isn't something I want, either. I have discovered that I dislike our apartment a whole lot less when it's clean and uncluttered. And I'm home all day; I'm the one who needs to be keeping it clean. It's part of my job, and thus far, I've really fallen down on it. I was diagnosed with ADD as a teen, in the height of the ADD overdiag period. I'm not sure if I trust the diagnosis, although I wouldn't be surprised if I have ADD. My brain works in such a way that unless I have clear goal paths, I get overwhelmed by what needs done, and I do nothing. How can I combat this? Better organization and breakdown of my tasks.
2) The home management binder. Some people really go overboard with this and it gets almost creepy. However, I think having a place where I can organize tasks that need to be done, monthly calendars to consolidate our family appointments, recipes, etc, would be very helpful to me. I have some sheets printed that offer scheduling of the household chores to be done throughout the week. I want to print out some more organizational stuff to get me going, and then hopefully I can implement the household binder.
3) Grocery shopping and cooking. I want to get better at menu planning. I will work on sitting down Monday and plan out the menu for the week. Once that is done, I will shop accordingly, and stick to the plan. My goal is for meals that provides multiple days/nights of meals for one cooking, and using primarily ingredients I have on hand. I want to cut down the amount of meat we eat also, for both financial and health reasons. We'll be subbing in some alternate forms of protein in place of meats, and eating more veggies, as well.
4) Pantry/freezer organization, inventory, and pre-printed grocery lists. I want to inventory the pantry and freezer so I can make use of what we have on hand. Once those foods are eaten, I can start using preprinted grocery lists, marking off in advance what we already have. Then, when ingredients are needed for recipes, I'll utilize the shopping lists and/or write ins.
5) More foods that are better for our family. I want to start making more food that is better for our family. More homemade, less processed food. This means baking more bread and relying less on store bought. I will get away from convenience type foods, like using "cream of ****" soups in recipes. Making your own is easy, cheap, and much tastier. I'm tired from this pregnancy, but this is important to me, so hopefully I can get it going.
6) More exercise and outside time. Along with healthier eating, I want to spend more time doing outdoor activity. When our little girl gets here, I want to walk with her and Gage (for the first few months, we'll do walks with her in a wrap and Gage in the stroller.) When she gets a little bigger, I'll be re-starting couch to 5K to work toward my running goals. We endeavor to model healthy, active lifestyles for our children, and as of now, I'm the weakest link. While pregnant there isn't much I can do as far as new exercise, but I can walk. And it'll be imperative to get going when no longer pregnant!
So that's my changes I want to implement for our family. I know it'll take some work and self improvement and prayer, but I know I can do it. I want to be a better steward to all of the blessings I've been given... Monetarily, and family. I couldn't be more blessed to have Brian and our healthy, energetic son, and our sweet, healthy daughter on the way. I'll try to keep blogging about all of these changes as we go, so that you can follow my progress and so I can (hopefully) stay motivated to keep up with my progress.
I wanted to make these changes anyway, and the new year just happened to coincide nicely. So I'll tell you what I'm up to today, and how that translates to the changes I want to make this year.
Today, I'm baking bread and planning a really yummy dinner with ingredients we already have. The dinner will hopefully have leftovers enough for a lunch or two and another dinner. I also downloaded a free Kindle book today (no, I don't have a Kindle, but I have a Kindle app on my Incredible 2) called Organized Simplicity. It was free today, which is awesome! How do these seemingly small things fit into the rest of the year? Let me tell you.
1) I want to become better organized at home. I'm pretty much a cluttered mess, and it makes me sad and drives me crazy. Brian puts up with it, but I doubt very much that he thinks it's wonderful. He's pretty much a neatnik, so I think that having a scatterbrained wife and a cluttered, messy home isn't something he would've dreamed of. It isn't something I want, either. I have discovered that I dislike our apartment a whole lot less when it's clean and uncluttered. And I'm home all day; I'm the one who needs to be keeping it clean. It's part of my job, and thus far, I've really fallen down on it. I was diagnosed with ADD as a teen, in the height of the ADD overdiag period. I'm not sure if I trust the diagnosis, although I wouldn't be surprised if I have ADD. My brain works in such a way that unless I have clear goal paths, I get overwhelmed by what needs done, and I do nothing. How can I combat this? Better organization and breakdown of my tasks.
2) The home management binder. Some people really go overboard with this and it gets almost creepy. However, I think having a place where I can organize tasks that need to be done, monthly calendars to consolidate our family appointments, recipes, etc, would be very helpful to me. I have some sheets printed that offer scheduling of the household chores to be done throughout the week. I want to print out some more organizational stuff to get me going, and then hopefully I can implement the household binder.
3) Grocery shopping and cooking. I want to get better at menu planning. I will work on sitting down Monday and plan out the menu for the week. Once that is done, I will shop accordingly, and stick to the plan. My goal is for meals that provides multiple days/nights of meals for one cooking, and using primarily ingredients I have on hand. I want to cut down the amount of meat we eat also, for both financial and health reasons. We'll be subbing in some alternate forms of protein in place of meats, and eating more veggies, as well.
4) Pantry/freezer organization, inventory, and pre-printed grocery lists. I want to inventory the pantry and freezer so I can make use of what we have on hand. Once those foods are eaten, I can start using preprinted grocery lists, marking off in advance what we already have. Then, when ingredients are needed for recipes, I'll utilize the shopping lists and/or write ins.
5) More foods that are better for our family. I want to start making more food that is better for our family. More homemade, less processed food. This means baking more bread and relying less on store bought. I will get away from convenience type foods, like using "cream of ****" soups in recipes. Making your own is easy, cheap, and much tastier. I'm tired from this pregnancy, but this is important to me, so hopefully I can get it going.
6) More exercise and outside time. Along with healthier eating, I want to spend more time doing outdoor activity. When our little girl gets here, I want to walk with her and Gage (for the first few months, we'll do walks with her in a wrap and Gage in the stroller.) When she gets a little bigger, I'll be re-starting couch to 5K to work toward my running goals. We endeavor to model healthy, active lifestyles for our children, and as of now, I'm the weakest link. While pregnant there isn't much I can do as far as new exercise, but I can walk. And it'll be imperative to get going when no longer pregnant!
So that's my changes I want to implement for our family. I know it'll take some work and self improvement and prayer, but I know I can do it. I want to be a better steward to all of the blessings I've been given... Monetarily, and family. I couldn't be more blessed to have Brian and our healthy, energetic son, and our sweet, healthy daughter on the way. I'll try to keep blogging about all of these changes as we go, so that you can follow my progress and so I can (hopefully) stay motivated to keep up with my progress.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Oh, the insanity! Err... Insomnia.
**Please note: If you're thrown off by the date of this post, please note that it just published today. However, I wrote it and thought it had published on the sixth. When I logged on today, I noted that the publish failed, so I put it up.**
I can't sleep, so I'll just do a little rambling about what has been going on.
We've decided to stay where we're currently living for another year. It's not a decision that either of us feel particularly good about, but we know it's the right one. Monetarily, stability-wise for Gage, and to keep our sanity. It'll get a little cramped in our two bedroom to be sure when the new baby arrives, but it'll work out OK since she'll be in our room for the first year anyway. That might require a little furniture rearranging, but ah, well. We've moved three times in three years, and we just didn't want to do it again. Or pay a new deposit and moving expenses.
I've decided to start trying green smoothies with Gage. If you're not familiar with the concept, they're basically smoothies that are full of fruit, a little yogurt and milk, and some veggies. The idea is that the veg taste is hidden by fruit, but the veggie goodness is in there. We'll need to work harder to introduce veggies the traditional way too, but this will at least get some in him. He's picky and hates vegetables, so I want to get those nutrients in somehow. He's a great fruit eater, so hoping he'll take to the smoothies.
I've been hesitant to blog about this, but I've decided that there's no harm, as it isn't something I'm ashamed or even particularly worried about. But it is something. Gage is having a speech evaluation this month to see if he needs a little jump start. He really isn't talking yet, and while all of his other development is right on track or ahead of the curve, his words are nowhere to be found. We know he can hear and comprehend, but we would like to kickstart his vocabulary beyond three words and animal noises. He gets frustrated when he can't get his point across or express his desires, and that's just not fair for him. Hopefully from the evaluation, we'll get the tools needed to get the little guy talking. Otherwise, he's growing, learning, and doing awesome new things each day. He's a super great kid.
My pregnancy is going well. We're in the 27th week, and baby is growing a little every day. From ultrasounds and movement, it seems she's perfectly healthy, despite this hellish (for me) pregnancy. I'm really looking forward to not being pregnant anymore... In mid-April. I don't want her here even a day early. But I'm on the down-swing; I enter my third trimester in the next week, and if my due date is to believed, I've got 93 days left. This pregnancy has flown by, it seems.
My friend Nicole visited last weekend, and while we didn't get tons of time to hang out, it was still SO AWESOME to see her! I enjoyed staying up way too late and just chatting for hours. But I did get sad when she left, because we used to hang out at least once a week and now it's more like once a year, which is bad. But still, so good to see her. AND, she got to go to the Broncos/Steelers playoff game. Lucky! Can't wait to see the 49ers whoop the Saints, and the Broncos beat the Patriots this weekend. I know what we're doing Saturday. Football!
I guess my blog is legit now. Last post, I actually got a spam comment. Yep, my very first spam. I felt like an accomplished blogger as I deleted it.
I guess that's about all I've got for now. I'm going to try and get some sleep. Sorry that was all over the place, but I'm tired, what can I say?
I can't sleep, so I'll just do a little rambling about what has been going on.
We've decided to stay where we're currently living for another year. It's not a decision that either of us feel particularly good about, but we know it's the right one. Monetarily, stability-wise for Gage, and to keep our sanity. It'll get a little cramped in our two bedroom to be sure when the new baby arrives, but it'll work out OK since she'll be in our room for the first year anyway. That might require a little furniture rearranging, but ah, well. We've moved three times in three years, and we just didn't want to do it again. Or pay a new deposit and moving expenses.
I've decided to start trying green smoothies with Gage. If you're not familiar with the concept, they're basically smoothies that are full of fruit, a little yogurt and milk, and some veggies. The idea is that the veg taste is hidden by fruit, but the veggie goodness is in there. We'll need to work harder to introduce veggies the traditional way too, but this will at least get some in him. He's picky and hates vegetables, so I want to get those nutrients in somehow. He's a great fruit eater, so hoping he'll take to the smoothies.
I've been hesitant to blog about this, but I've decided that there's no harm, as it isn't something I'm ashamed or even particularly worried about. But it is something. Gage is having a speech evaluation this month to see if he needs a little jump start. He really isn't talking yet, and while all of his other development is right on track or ahead of the curve, his words are nowhere to be found. We know he can hear and comprehend, but we would like to kickstart his vocabulary beyond three words and animal noises. He gets frustrated when he can't get his point across or express his desires, and that's just not fair for him. Hopefully from the evaluation, we'll get the tools needed to get the little guy talking. Otherwise, he's growing, learning, and doing awesome new things each day. He's a super great kid.
My pregnancy is going well. We're in the 27th week, and baby is growing a little every day. From ultrasounds and movement, it seems she's perfectly healthy, despite this hellish (for me) pregnancy. I'm really looking forward to not being pregnant anymore... In mid-April. I don't want her here even a day early. But I'm on the down-swing; I enter my third trimester in the next week, and if my due date is to believed, I've got 93 days left. This pregnancy has flown by, it seems.
My friend Nicole visited last weekend, and while we didn't get tons of time to hang out, it was still SO AWESOME to see her! I enjoyed staying up way too late and just chatting for hours. But I did get sad when she left, because we used to hang out at least once a week and now it's more like once a year, which is bad. But still, so good to see her. AND, she got to go to the Broncos/Steelers playoff game. Lucky! Can't wait to see the 49ers whoop the Saints, and the Broncos beat the Patriots this weekend. I know what we're doing Saturday. Football!
I guess my blog is legit now. Last post, I actually got a spam comment. Yep, my very first spam. I felt like an accomplished blogger as I deleted it.
I guess that's about all I've got for now. I'm going to try and get some sleep. Sorry that was all over the place, but I'm tired, what can I say?
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Looking forward, never back
We had a good doctor visit today. Everything looks normal and healthy, and all seems good to go. Next visit is my blood glucose check, to test for gestational diabetes. I didn't have it with Gage; hopefully I won't have it with this pregnancy, either. This pregnancy seems to be flying by! I can't believe my third trimester starts January 14, and I've only got 103 days left, provided my due date is correct.
I look forward to not being pregnant anymore. I've been working on our registry, which is hard. We have quite a bit of stuff left over from Gage, but we've also gotten rid of a lot of stuff, due to moves, space restrictions, etc. Most of what I've put on our registry as needs are the more expensive stuff, so that's kind of hard because I can't figure that everyone who looks at our registry and may want to gift us with something will want to spend $200 on a double stroller for us. And I don't blame them, haha. But we just don't need things like receiving blankets, towels, washcloths, etc. Kind of a strange experience, prepping for a second kid!
In the second trimester, I've definitely been feeling better though. I'm still having some acne problems (and how,) and I'm still really exhausted, run down, etc. I'm also still having massive sleep problems, which are likely to just get worse as the pregnancy goes along and my size increases.
I'm still doing well for pregnancy weight gain, which makes me proud. I've gained a bit more than I'd wanted to, but not anywhere near what I gained with Gage, and the doctor thinks I'm gaining perfectly. I think we've decided not to move this year, which is simultaneously awesome and too bad. I don't like where we're at and I don't think it's the best place for us, but I also don't want to move with a toddler while pregnant and deal with the hassle of moving when we really don't have to. We can tough it out here another year, and hopefully find something just right for us next year.
Guess that's about it for me right now. I'm tired and it's late; which means I should give a shot to going to bed. Well, subjectively late anyway... it's 10:00 pm, which is late when you only got 4 hours of sleep last night. The insomnia is awful this pregnancy.
Man, sometimes my posts are so boring I think THEY could be a cure for insomnia!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Springtime will bring a shedding of the pounds
It just has to! I'm not sure if I ever officially announced on the blog that we're having a girl; I know I mentioned it in a recent post though. So here's the official announcement: Brian and I are pregnant with a little girl! Gage will be the best big brother ever.
I am stoked to have a girl (as much as I would've been stoked to have another boy) but it calls to mind some interesting issues for me. I've long harbored concerns about the media influence on girls. The images portrayed of tiny thin women being the only attractive ones; the other end of that spectrum that says being morbidly obese is fine as long as you love yourself (not true, as heart disease, diabetes, etc does not care how much you love yourself,) the princess ideologues that so many girls are into, the idea that being smart is no good unless you're also a perfect 10, that finding "Prince Charming" is far more important than finding God, etc. These portrayals can be SO damaging and I think, as a parent, offsetting these images can be key. But how do you do that? How do you encourage a healthy body image, a desire to be strong, active, and healthy, a desire for intelligence and self-sufficiency? I guess I have some research to do.
But what I most need to focus on is being a positive role model. I need to get myself healthy and active. How can I portray the importance of a healthy, active lifestyle when I'm overweight myself? "Do as I say, not as I do" is not an acceptable method of child rearing in most circumstances.
So once I'm no longer pregnant, I intend to get right back on the Couch to 5K horse. I want to get my weight to healthy point, I want to get myself healthy so I can enjoy more activity without becoming tired, winded, etc. It'll take a lot of work, but it's worth it. I'm also focusing on not having a ridiculous weight gain throughout the pregnancy, so hopefully I can keep that up. Of course, the holidays are now behind us, so that'll get a little easier.
Just as an aside, I'm not saying there are no pressures for boys in the world, or that I'm less concerned with the image issues Gage will face. However, it's a little different to deal with body issues with boys... And I'm not as familiar with those (no personal experience,) so I'll be doing some research and some learning as I go, too. Gage is already healthy, active, and on-the-go, so at this point, I don't see his becoming sedentary as an issue... Unless, of course, we are such good models of being lazy, which we also don't want!
What better motivation could there be than getting healthy and being a good role model to your kids? Here's hoping I can stay on the wagon for good this time!
I am stoked to have a girl (as much as I would've been stoked to have another boy) but it calls to mind some interesting issues for me. I've long harbored concerns about the media influence on girls. The images portrayed of tiny thin women being the only attractive ones; the other end of that spectrum that says being morbidly obese is fine as long as you love yourself (not true, as heart disease, diabetes, etc does not care how much you love yourself,) the princess ideologues that so many girls are into, the idea that being smart is no good unless you're also a perfect 10, that finding "Prince Charming" is far more important than finding God, etc. These portrayals can be SO damaging and I think, as a parent, offsetting these images can be key. But how do you do that? How do you encourage a healthy body image, a desire to be strong, active, and healthy, a desire for intelligence and self-sufficiency? I guess I have some research to do.
But what I most need to focus on is being a positive role model. I need to get myself healthy and active. How can I portray the importance of a healthy, active lifestyle when I'm overweight myself? "Do as I say, not as I do" is not an acceptable method of child rearing in most circumstances.
So once I'm no longer pregnant, I intend to get right back on the Couch to 5K horse. I want to get my weight to healthy point, I want to get myself healthy so I can enjoy more activity without becoming tired, winded, etc. It'll take a lot of work, but it's worth it. I'm also focusing on not having a ridiculous weight gain throughout the pregnancy, so hopefully I can keep that up. Of course, the holidays are now behind us, so that'll get a little easier.
Just as an aside, I'm not saying there are no pressures for boys in the world, or that I'm less concerned with the image issues Gage will face. However, it's a little different to deal with body issues with boys... And I'm not as familiar with those (no personal experience,) so I'll be doing some research and some learning as I go, too. Gage is already healthy, active, and on-the-go, so at this point, I don't see his becoming sedentary as an issue... Unless, of course, we are such good models of being lazy, which we also don't want!
What better motivation could there be than getting healthy and being a good role model to your kids? Here's hoping I can stay on the wagon for good this time!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Onichophagia Anonymous
If you don't know what onichophagia is, you probably don't struggle with it. Or maybe you do, but never knew there was a clinical term. Anyway. It's the technical term for nail biting. Ongoing, long term, difficult to stop nail biting is CHRONIC onichophagia. I know all about the chronic kind, because I have it myself.
In case you're curious as to the causes of onichophagia, or if you think it's just a dirty, disgusting habit, please know that it's linked to a variety of psychological issues, like all body-focused repetitive behaviors (think hair pulling, skin picking, etc.) It has been linked to OCD, bi-polar, depression, and anxiety disorders. It isn't often a matter of just stopping because you know you should or because you know it's a gross behavior. It is entirely damaging to one's self esteem, given how people look at nail biting, and how obvious bitten nails are.
I can't say exactly when I started biting my nails, but I CAN tell you that I was VERY young. It goes back as far as I can remember. A few years back, I managed to quit. And then I relapsed. Then I quit again. Then I relapsed again. I imagine you can see where this is going.
I'm pretty down tonight (can't sleep, getting over a miserable cold) because I really thought I had this kicked, but suddenly I'm in the midst of the worst biting relapse I've had since quitting biting in the first place. It makes me wonder if I will either never be able to kick it altogether, or if I'm going to have to go on some sort of med to knock down the anxiety that makes me bite.
I've long thought that nail biting was my internal response to high levels of anxiety, and having a bad response to stressful situations. Now I feel that's been pretty much confirmed, and it sucks, because I feel like unless I seek help, I will ALWAYS relapse into nail biting when things are difficult. And I hate it SO much. I've been looked down on, ridiculed, made to feel like a disgusting person, and more because of this DISORDER. And that's all nothing compared to what I do to myself in my head over it. Because nail biting is somewhat common, no one looks at the chronic kind as a disorder. It's just something you should be able to stop doing, to most people. I won't gross you out with pics of my hands, but I can tell you that when I bite my nails, I do so with fervor. My fingertips ache and my nails look absolutely awful. And when I've just had my nails nice for the past two years? It hurts even worse to fall back into this.
I wish I had a better handle on my options, other than obviously trying to stop again, which of course I will. I've done it before, but when will it stick for good?
I just have to wonder, if I seek treatment. .. Will I be treated for the DISORDER of onichophagia, or will be I told to use more willpower and "just stop" the gross HABIT?
In case you're curious as to the causes of onichophagia, or if you think it's just a dirty, disgusting habit, please know that it's linked to a variety of psychological issues, like all body-focused repetitive behaviors (think hair pulling, skin picking, etc.) It has been linked to OCD, bi-polar, depression, and anxiety disorders. It isn't often a matter of just stopping because you know you should or because you know it's a gross behavior. It is entirely damaging to one's self esteem, given how people look at nail biting, and how obvious bitten nails are.
I can't say exactly when I started biting my nails, but I CAN tell you that I was VERY young. It goes back as far as I can remember. A few years back, I managed to quit. And then I relapsed. Then I quit again. Then I relapsed again. I imagine you can see where this is going.
I'm pretty down tonight (can't sleep, getting over a miserable cold) because I really thought I had this kicked, but suddenly I'm in the midst of the worst biting relapse I've had since quitting biting in the first place. It makes me wonder if I will either never be able to kick it altogether, or if I'm going to have to go on some sort of med to knock down the anxiety that makes me bite.
I've long thought that nail biting was my internal response to high levels of anxiety, and having a bad response to stressful situations. Now I feel that's been pretty much confirmed, and it sucks, because I feel like unless I seek help, I will ALWAYS relapse into nail biting when things are difficult. And I hate it SO much. I've been looked down on, ridiculed, made to feel like a disgusting person, and more because of this DISORDER. And that's all nothing compared to what I do to myself in my head over it. Because nail biting is somewhat common, no one looks at the chronic kind as a disorder. It's just something you should be able to stop doing, to most people. I won't gross you out with pics of my hands, but I can tell you that when I bite my nails, I do so with fervor. My fingertips ache and my nails look absolutely awful. And when I've just had my nails nice for the past two years? It hurts even worse to fall back into this.
I wish I had a better handle on my options, other than obviously trying to stop again, which of course I will. I've done it before, but when will it stick for good?
I just have to wonder, if I seek treatment. .. Will I be treated for the DISORDER of onichophagia, or will be I told to use more willpower and "just stop" the gross HABIT?
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