Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Some random thoughts bouncing through my noggin

Let's see. I won't tell much about cry-it-out tonight, especially because I'm a little discouraged. We keep having such severe ups and downs that I believe something else is going on with the little guy. We'll have a few good nights and then go back to bad, or worse. Last night was a "worse" by far. Gage went down about 8:00 PM but didn't sleep. At 8:30 I went in and cuddled him until he was drowsy, at which point I put him back down. He slept until 9:30 when he fussed a bit and went back to sleep. Then came the badness. He awoke at 12:14 AM. I went in and rocked him as I usually do, and laid him back down. He was quiet. But around 1:00 AM (I think) he woke up again. At that point, I decided to just bring him to bed with us as I hadn't slept at all. He wouldn't sleep. All he wanted to do was get up and play. So I figured ok, maybe he'll play for 30 minutes, then realize how exhausted he is. No... he played until almost 4:00 AM. And even then, he didn't want to go back to sleep. I had a mini-breakdown and cried about my utter inability to fix this problem. Then the little fella slept until 9:30 AM this morning. He did not nap today outside of a car nap (I did this on purpose) and he played for a while at my parent's house. Hopefully he'll sleep well tonight, if for no other reason than sheer exhaustion.

If you've been following along, you know we're coming up on a month of cry-it-out. The doctor told us it would take a week. Obviously, every child is different. But why, after a month, do we see absolutely no progress that lasts? We have stuck to the bed time routine, we get him into bed at the same time every night as best we can, etc. There seems to be nothing that affects how he sleeps. Starting today, I am going to spend the week mapping out the details of Gage's day. After 7 days of mapping out Gage's days, I'm going to make an appointment with his pediatrician so we can try to figure out what on earth is going on with this little boy's sleep patterns. Why can he only seem to sleep for 4-5 hours at a time? Why does he have such a hard time relaxing? We have many questions that I feel need answers in order to get this sleep issue under control. That's where we're at. I downloaded an app for my Incredible that will help me track the little guy's patterns. I'll be monitoring and logging eating, sleeping, activity, what we do in a day, etc. I figure nothing is too small to log and assess for importance. In case you're wondering, it's 9:03 PM right now and Gage is indeed sleeping. Has been for a little over an hour.

The pictures are starting to pour in from Brian's cousin's wedding. We so enjoy getting to see the pictures everyone took. I can't wait until the photographer gets her pictures online though; it was such a gorgeous wedding that I am excited to see pictures.

One thing is for sure a result of all the family time this weekend and the wedding. I have got to get serious about weight loss. I think I've said that on here a few times, but seeing pictures of myself really brings the point home. I look about 5 months pregnant. My arms are huge, flabby, and fat; my gut looks like it's housing a baby, and my face is way too round. Add in my double chins, and you've got yourself a pretty chubby looking chick. I am not happy with myself, and I've got to get there. I hate being that girl that constantly looks at pictures of herself and hates them. But I've arrived at that point, and it makes me deeply unhappy. I want to look at pictures of myself and my family and say, "Wow, we look great/happy!" Instead, I look at pictures of us and say, "Wow, Brian, you and Gage look great!" While inside, I die a little, thinking that people probably look at me as a fat slob.

My biggest weight challenge is portion sizes. I think if I can get that under control I can get my weight going down again. I started trying to be more cognizant of portion size today. I had lunch with my mom and dad, and we had hot dogs (all beef) and chips. I had two hot dogs, but I did not have any chips as a side. I only put sourkraut on my dogs, and I ate them with whole wheat buns. I did not consume the entire bun. I ate maybe .25 oz of these cinnamon chips my parents have, as well as two graham cracker bites which are roughly the size of a silver dollar. I also had a scoop and a half of ice cream, around 1/4 cup. If you know me, you know this is pretty good. I didn't eat breakfast before I left the house, so lunch was sort of both. Yes, I am aware that this is bad. I rarely skip breakfast, but this was a WEIRD morning. Back to lunch, I ate slowly, and didn't continue eating when I was full. Stopping eating when I'm full is another biggie. If I really like the food I'm eating, I'll eat it fast and hard and then deal with the stuffed feeling consequences. I must re-train myself to eat slowly and stop when my stomach is satisfied - not stuffed. For dinner I ate nice, normal portions of everything I made. I'm focusing on dishing Brian and my meals onto salad plates as opposed to using our dinner plates. This will keep our portion sizes down. I want to stick to what the package recommends for serving sizes, especially with things like cereal and what-not.

The other part of my plan is to walk/run in the mornings before it gets too hot. I have been telling myself I can't get out because it's too hot to take Gage, but if we go early that isn't the case. Even if I'm dragging my butt from exhaustion, I can still get out there and walk a bit. It might even help refresh me and make me a little less cranky.

If I could get my weight under control, I know that I could be a happier person, and in turn a better wife and momma. And of course I would be healthier. When I'm always feeling like I'm not healthy, I'm not attractive, I'm the ugliest person in the room, etc, it is hard for me to be at my best. A big part of my issues with how I look is how I feel I reflect on Brian. He loves me as I am, and tells me so, but I can't help but feel that people judge him on how I look. I constantly wondered if his family was thinking about how much I've let myself go when they were here. I know this is ridiculous behavior, but I can't help it. I can't help but think my social anxiety would improve if I could feel more confident.

Don't get me wrong. I 100% know that looks aren't everything, or anything, really. But if I don't even feel healthy, then how can I feel comfortable in my own skin? I can't. But I want to. I want to be a positive, active role model for Gage. I've posted about that before, too. I refuse to give up, even though I've started and failed multiple times. I know you probably are thinking that I won't make it go this time either. But I'm going to do my best, and maybe, just maybe, this time I can make it stick.

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