For my baby girl, on her first birthday

Dear, sweet Sophie ~

What can I say about Sophie? You are amazing. My baby girl, who is almost not a baby anymore; as of today you are officially a toddler. You came at a time when I most thought I wasn't sure of how another baby would impact our lives, just as Gage came when I was unsure of how a baby would impact our lives. And just like Gage, you are one of the best things to ever happen to me. I have loved every day with you since you graced us with your presence, and I will continue to do so. I've said it 100 times and I'll say it 1,000 more, at least--my worst day with you is better than my best day without you.

What can I say about Sophie? You are adorable, brilliant, charming, daring, amazing, brave, cuddly, and absolutely awesome. You climb everything with the most ornery grin on your face. I dress you in these adorable, feminine outfits, and then watch you walk, climb, fall, crawl, jump, and chase your brother around in them. I marvel at you. Your understanding of things far surpasses babies your age. You reason, you work through problems, you understand how things work that would baffle most babied your age.

You aren't a baby that plays with toys, oh no. You want to be learning and figuring things of the world, not babydom. But I'm so afraid of how quickly you're growing up; already you seem so advanced yet you still look like a tiny, walking baby. You are so independent yet still so needy. You still want Momma when you're tired or cranky, and you always like a cuddle when you're sleepy. I hope you can always come to me when you need a cuddle or a love. You do have some attitude though, that leads to an angry squawk and you stomping off to pout when you don't get your way. You are going to be a blast to watch grow and develop. You are so unique and I hope you can always let you just be you.

I couldn't be more pleased with you, Sophie. You are everything I've said here and more, because I could never capture you with words. You're a pleasure to have around, and quite a hoot. So glad you're here, my baby who is almost not a baby anymore. A year ago today, I had no idea what it was like to be momma to a girl, and now I can't imagine life without you. What a blessing you are, and I am so, so, so proud to be your Momma.

So much love for you!
Momma

A quick weight loss post.

So, I'm kind of just jumping back in here. I'll give an update one of these days, when I feel like! Anyway. I've been doing Weight Watchers since... I dunno, September, maybe? I started out strong; lost 11 pounds or so. Then, I stalled. And I've been up and down over the same milestone weight about 6 times now, and I'm sick of it.

And I even know why. Why? Because I lose a decent bit of weight with WW and then I think I'm cured. Cured of food addiction, cured of the mumbo jumbo that rattles around in my brain surrounding food (hint: food and I have a dysfunctional relationship), cured of overeating at large. Then my weight loss stalls, and I quit. But not this time.

The last meeting, I had gained back 3.2 lbs. I was disgusted with myself, sick at heart, and completely discouraged. I bawled my eyes out the minute I got in the car. And... I think that was exactly what I needed. I have redevoted myself to the program. It is time I figure out how to look at food as sustenance--not a reward, not a release, not a comfort, not a fix. I am a step ahead of so many others in that I KNOW what healthy eating looks like. I just need to get back there.

So today was day two. I tracked all day, I watched what I ate, I avoided junk. I am PROUD of myself. And I'm not giving up. Not this time. My health and my family depends on it. Tomorrow will be hard, it is Sophie's first birthday. I will be bittersweet all day, and surrounded by food. But I'm going in with a game plan! I'll be having one plate of food, pre-tracked. When it's gone, it's gone, unless I want veggies, haha. I will have ONE small piece of Sophie cake, the rest will go away. I can do it. There's no time like now, and I know I can.

Happy birthday, big three year old.

My dearest, most awesome son ~

I'm not even sure I can put into words what the past year has looked like for you. Indescribable, amazing, fantastic, terrifying, miraculous, incredible, beautiful, and defying of all logic are a few that could start. But you don't do anything halfway, oh no. You go all the way and you are so incredible.

Gage, when you turned two, you didn't speak. As you turn three, you are speaking at a four-year-old level. You don't understand that now, you are just so pleased you can communicate. But to us, it is absolutely incredible. You are so smart and clever, and you love to use words that you hear us use. Good thing we neither swear around you nor talk down to you! Your vocabulary rivals many Jr. High kids and sometimes I have to remind myself you're just three.

You became a big brother. I wonder how that feels? You are most likely the most affectionate big brother in the history of time. You love Sophie so much, and you love to hug her, hold her, and kiss her. I think you would help me care for her, if you could. I can't believe how sweet and kind you are to her. Never jealous, never cruel, and you have never asked us to send her back, just loved her. You tote your "new big brother" books around still, seeming so proud to be a big brother. It's not all perfect when Sophie tries to take your stuff, but I feel like you and she will be the best of friends. I sure hope you will, there's no friend like a sibling if you can manage it.

You're excessively smart. All parents think that, sure. But you really are. Your grasp of concepts and meanings is so beyond your age it's absolutely unbelievable, unless we're talking about Gage. But not just smarts; you are the most empathetic three year old I've ever heard of or met. Sure, you're toddler-egocentric, all kids are. But you care how others are feeling, and you want everyone to be happy and have fun. You care when others are sick or down and you want to help. I hope we can always have as good a relationship as we do now, with your sporadic hugs and random smiles. 

What a wonderful boy you are. I'm so very, very blessed that you are my son, and I only pray that I can be the sort of momma to help you grow, learn, and reach your potential, whatever that may be. You amaze me a little more every day, and I'm so proud you're my son. I've said it 100 times and I'll say it 1,000 more, at least--my worst day with you is better than my best day without you.

When do I love you?
All the time.

Love, your Momma

The Dark Knight Rises shooting

As yet we have no motive. I have lots to say about this horrific tragedy but at this time I don't feel it's right or necessary.

Suffice it to say my thoughts are with the victims and their families. My prayers are for all affected. This is a sick, sad, wrong tragedy in our fallen, broken world.

Heartbroken today.

Shooting at the Dark Knight Rises

Why?! WHY?! I just want to know why someone would open fire in a movie theatre that is going to be predominantly filled with young people. Summertime and a midnight screening is teenager central and someone is going to go in there shooting? I honestly can't stand this world tonight. This is my home state. It breaks my heart that this happened anywhere but especially here. This is the world we live in. I am just sick over this and can't stop thinking of those injured and the families of those whose loved ones will never come home again. Praying for all of those affected. Praying no one I know was there. This is just sick, sick, sick.

I got up to feed the baby, who is going through a growth spurt and checked the time on my phone only to see this report. Now I can't get back to sleep and I have no one to talk to about this insanity; I vocalize to process so here I am bogging about something horrific as my first blog in months.

This is so vile. Reports are that children, even babies may be amongst the dead. I pray it isn't so. I pray the reports of 14 dead and 39 injured are overblown amounts and that no one is dead and the injures aren't critical. This is just awful.

Blog changes

It has come to my attention that perhaps I'm not being clear enough about Gage and his "diagnosis" (for lack of a better word). I believed when I was writing about Gage and his prognosis that I was making it perfectly clear that his prognosis is great, it is possible that he will outgrow all of this, he does not have a technical diagnosis at this point as he is too young, etc. Apparently that was not clear enough, and some see fit to behave as if Gage having delayed speech, and the possibility of very minor sensory perception issues make him less of a "normal" two-year-old. Let me be the first to say, there is no normal. BUT, as two-year-old go, Gage is right on track with the exception of speech. He should be treated, loved, and accepted like any other two-year-old. Just because he doesn't speak yet, it doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy everything every other kid his age does.

We will continue to do what we need to do in order for Gage to continue thriving. But I feel it's best if I no longer make it public due to how clearly I'm being misunderstood. If you want Gage updates, email me. I'll share what I feel is appropriate. For the time being, all posts tagged with or mentioning Gage, apraxia, and sensory perception are being pulled. As I have time to weed through them pull specific parts out that I'm comfortable reposting, I will.

I'm sorry it has come to this, but I refuse for Gage to be labeled in a way that paints him in a negative light. He is too awesome of a kid for this level of misconception.

And now, the world outside of Gage

This post will be about something other than Gage, haha. So it'll probably be short since things are kind of revolving around him right now.

Sorry for any grammatical errors I may make in my posts; I'm reduced to posting on my phone because my computer's display is pretty much dead. I'm working on getting it fixed, but it's proving to be sort of a pain. I tried to just adjust the cable, but ended up making the display worse, so I guess I just ruined the cable. I'm not much of a computer hardware repair person. My brother will be handling the cable replacement as I'm too nervous to attempt again.

If you know me, and my cell phone history over the past couple years, you know I've had a string of Droids that I have had a love/hate relationship with the Android hardware. I love the operating system, I love (most) things about the phones, and I love the customization aspect. I don't love the fact that I've had four different kinds of Droids in a couple years, and probably done in the neighborhood of 13 warranty swaps altogether. This makes me frustrated. Most recently, I had an Incredible 2 that just stopped working. It bricked itself, basically. It was very frustrating in that I had a terrible loaner from Verizon and they made the process a pretty big headache. The manager was trying to be helpful, and really pushed me to accept an iPhone. I'm not too sold on Apple in general, but it was hard to ignore their talk of the iPhone reliability. I told them I would give this replacement Incredible 2 a fair shake, and see how it worked, then I would consider going into an iPhone (this would be a free switch, obviously.) I have been really happy with everything about the Inc2, love the size, feel, etc, but not the uncertainty. So I really hoped this one would be IT. And I've been having pretty good luck with this Droid... Til yesterday and today, when I've started having random restarts. Sigh. Looks like I may end up swapping again. I'm nervous about going to a whole different OS, though. Anyone have any iPhone experience? Love it/hate it?

I'm getting excited and nervous for baby to arrive. My shower is this weekend, my mom is generously gifting me with a pregnancy massage this week, and today marks 40 days til I'm due. We also have maternity family pics on Sunday morning, so I'm really excited about those, too. I have my last ultrasound next week, when I'll find out if she's measuring as big as my stomach is. I'm stoked and a little freaked out about that, too. I'm way sick of being pregnant, but I don't want to see her early. So I'm just eagerly anticipating mid-April.

I guess that's about all for now. I'm tired and my back hurts, and if my crazy son will ever sleep, I will too.